It's About So Much More Than Spanking
It's About So Much More Than Spanking
When people hear the words Domestic Discipline, I think one of the first things that often comes to mind is spanking. I understand why. It is one of the more visible and talked-about parts of our relationship. But the truth is, spanking is actually a very small part of our DD relationship.
In fact, I would say that spanking is reserved for maybe 10% of the issues we deal with.
That's it.
The other 90% is made up of something much more ordinary and, in my opinion, much more meaningful.
Conversation: A lot of the time, Hubby and I simply sit down and talk through what happened. He listens to me, I listen to him, and together we work through the situation without it needing to become a disciplinary issue.
Communication: We try to be open and honest with each other about our feelings, struggles, expectations, and needs. Good communication helps us address little problems before they become bigger ones and keeps us connected as husband and wife.
Understanding: Hubby takes the time to understand why I'm struggling or why I reacted a certain way, rather than immediately focusing only on what I did wrong. He knows me well enough to recognize when I need correction and when I simply need patience, compassion, or a hug.
It's sometimes a scolding when I need one. It's sometimes being told to go have a little time out and think about my attitude or my choices. Sometimes it's a difficult conversation where Hubby helps me see something I couldn't see for myself. Sometimes it's a reminder of what I've promised him and what I promised myself.
And lots of times, it's simply a hug.
There have been plenty of moments when I've been upset, overwhelmed, stressed, or just struggling with something, and what I needed wasn't discipline at all. I needed my husband to look at me and understand what was really going on underneath my behavior.
Sometimes I don't need correction.
I need reassurance.
Sometimes I don't need a consequence.
I need someone to remind me that I'm loved.
And sometimes I just need to be held.
Hubby knows me. He knows when I'm being disrespectful because I'm genuinely choosing to be difficult, and he knows when my attitude is coming from exhaustion, stress, fear, or simply having too much on my plate. He knows the difference between me needing accountability and me needing compassion.
That is one of the things I appreciate most about his leadership.
Being the head of our household doesn't mean that every problem is solved with punishment. In fact, I think the opposite is true. A good leader knows that people are different, situations are different, and not every problem needs the same solution.
Hubby has a whole toolbox.
Sometimes he uses a conversation.
Sometimes he uses a firm voice.
Sometimes he gives me a scolding because I need to hear some hard truths.
Sometimes he sends me away for a little while to calm down and think.
Sometimes he gives me a consequence that has nothing to do with spanking.
Sometimes he simply looks at me and says, "Come here," and wraps his arms around me.
And yes, there are times when spanking is the right tool. But it is a tool reserved for the situations where he believes it is appropriate and necessary. It isn't the answer to everything, and it isn't the foundation of our relationship.
Love is the foundation.
Trust is the foundation.
Commitment is the foundation.
Our desire to see our marriage and our family succeed is the foundation.
Hubby wants the very best for me, and he wants our family to thrive. His leadership isn't about finding ways to punish me. It's about helping me become the best version of myself and helping us build the kind of marriage and family we both want.
Sometimes that means correcting me.
Sometimes that means challenging me.
Sometimes that means holding me accountable.
And sometimes that means recognizing that I am struggling and loving me through it.
I think that's something that can be easy to misunderstand about DD. From the outside, people may focus on the spanking and assume that is what the relationship is all about. But for us, the spanking is only a tiny piece of something much bigger.
Most of our days are completely ordinary.
We talk.
We laugh.
We work together.
We make decisions.
We take care of our home and our family.
We pray.
We encourage each other.
We disagree and then work through it.
And sometimes, when I mess up, Hubby helps me find my way back.
That's what his leadership means to me.
It's not about always having the strongest hand. It's about having the wisdom to know which tool to use.
A great leader doesn't use the same approach for every problem. He learns the person he is leading. He knows their strengths and weaknesses. He understands what motivates them, what hurts them, and what helps them grow.
That, to me, is the heart of our DD relationship.
The goal isn't punishment.
The goal is success.
The goal is a strong marriage.
The goal is a happy, healthy family.
The goal is for me to grow into the woman I want to be and for Hubby to be the husband and leader he wants to be.
Spanking may be part of our relationship, but it is only one small tool in a much bigger toolbox filled with communication, accountability, patience, grace, correction, forgiveness, encouragement, and love.
And honestly?
I'm grateful that Hubby knows me well enough to know which tool I need.
What warmth! Just beautiful! Blessed!! A great example! Pure love!! Happy for you both! Thank you for sharing! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHey Professional Woman,
DeleteAwe that is sweet. Thanks. Hugs
-Lisa
Single Guy
ReplyDeleteStructured basic relationship strategy. The system puts relationships in top priority.
Too many times, too many people, do not know how to reciprocate the relationship or any relationship, They have never been taught and they have never seen it. The system is in place so that individual's will be mindful To exercise, healthy communication and response. The system helps a person develop quality relationships with their spouse and the people they are around. It is a leveling up personal growth.
The system like all systems is in place to find the weak link in the chain., And it gives clear opportunities to discover where the disconnect is, and it provides the opportunity to gain discernment and wisdom on how to exercise leadership skills to resolve the issue.
There is an old saying within the framework of what I do for work.
Put the train back on the track because the track is not broken, “you are the train “ You may derail from time to time, but that doesn’t mean it has to remain that way. Put the train back on the track stick to the system because the system works and it works every time.
The system - It works and it works every time.
The system - Exposes the problem.
The system - Helps you connect with the other person.
The system - Gives plenty of opportunity to restore relationship.
The system- Provides the ability for you to grow as a person.
If you sir, are having problems with your girlfriend or your wife, Your mother or any other female and you don’t know what the problem is you need to get educated on the city of relationships.
Churches will frown, and both people will say something negative about the system because they don’t know what it is. The church has a bad reputation of having a lot of simp men Most of the church women are career minded and they are in boss mode 24/7. They definitely do not comprehend the word submissive.
I’m going to church in a few minutes and it’s easy to spot the problems when you study domestic discipline or Christian domestic discipline.
Hi Single Guy,
DeleteThank you for your well thought out response.
I would like to say I picked a good one. Hubby and I have a relationship where he wants more for me than he wants for himself and I want more for him than me. (If you get that in a relationship then it is a really good one.
As for as the church having a bad reputation of having a lot of simp men... I don't think my church has that problem. A lot of dominant men I see here. Of course talking their spouse up is nice too. I know that hubby will come home and tell me that some men have come up to him and complemented how polite and respectful I am. That always makes me smile.
Thanks again for a thoughtful response.
- Lisa
Lisa, This makes me smile. I like respect on both sides of a relationship . At first I thought wow this seems harsh. I hope he sometimes shows her love. Then you mentioned spanking is so highlighted because it is a spanking blog. I.want to caution that one person is not always the problem in a relationship. It is dynamic and breathes. Both parties have roles and accountability to make it work so to see it as a train and one person is always off track is not accurate. Not your words theabove example.Both parties need to look at themselves. Their actions and work towards a better relationship. Which I believe you do. Just on one site men Talk about always being right and how they are superior. So no respect, accountability and consequences for both will make a strong marriage. Also strong men support strong women.God gave us brains. So I don't think men are weak if they let women lead. As a social worker And woman I tend to be more compassionate and work with strong men but they know my strengths, follow and learn.
DeleteAsI do from them. Do you believe men are superior to women? I do not we are not equal but different and both made in God's image. We both have different but amazing talents. If this doesn't make sense I'm not sure if I deleted or published the first part of the comment. Wondering
DeleteAnonymous, (please use a nick name so I can answer you)
DeleteI do not believe men are superior to women at all. I teach young adults engineering and my wall of women in STEM has proven despite being suppressed, and having to overcome some incredible things. The stories are countless. Everybody, men, women, different races, different religions, economic status, different countries, different sexual orientations means nothing in their ability.
-Lisa
Anonymous (please use a nickname so I can answer you)
DeleteGlad this made you smile. I am a lucky girl and he loves and respects me just like I love and respect him.
-Lisa
Communication is so key in any marriage, I’ve come to appreciate the way he can read me and intervene when I’m starting to get stressed, anxious or upset he simply tells me to take a time out and come back in 15 minutes and tell me what you want to say, that has saved us both saying things to each other we regret and me ending up getting spanked.
DeleteThe non verbal things to, a hug first thing in the morning just curling up with him and feeling his body next to mine on the sofa and him knowing that and just putting an arm around me unprompted.
Gosh Charlotte,
DeleteExactly. I swear he knows me more than I know myself. I think he is not getting me, yet after he interacts with me I feel much better.
-Lisa
An important aspect of DD for many of us is the implementation of discipline. The spanking part is such a vital key. It fulfills deep-seated needs, and is the spice that gives the lifestyle its wonderful flavor, despite the fact that punishment is a serious event that is not precipitated by positive circumstances.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, the backbone of the DD relationship that makes spankings and other forms of domestic punishments so powerful is everything you describe. A spanking loses its special nature when it is a knee-jerk reaction to any difficult situation, or just an excuse to act out the desire for spanking drama. In the context of a rational, practical and caring relationship, where life is happy and fun, where issues are treated wisely in order to actually solve the problem, spanking can then exist as so much more than just a trivial game to be played. It will be a legitimate punishment when needed and, as such, just the right medicine. -BB
Thank you BB,
DeleteYes I like what you said, Over use of anything can make it diluted to the point it isn't special or effective anymore.
-Lisa
Hey Lisa... I don't really know about the interest of dd anymore. I used to be as passionate about it as you are, but since an accident where my husband spanked me so hard that I now couldn't sit for 2 months and it actually doesn't feel like before -really hopeless, i cannot work, relax, all of that- my husband and i agreed we'd stop this lifestyle eventually... I feel really depressed about the situation every day, the inability to just sit normally being genuinely upsetting. I'm asking: are you envisaging to keep this dynamic your whole life or would there be instances where you would seriously reconsider it? Calendula
ReplyDeleteCalendula,
DeleteOh my goodness. I am honestly shocked and so sorry to hear what happened to you. Two months of being unable to sit normally, not being able to work or relax, and feeling like something that was once an important part of your relationship has been taken away from you—I can understand why you would feel so discouraged and even hopeless. My heart really goes out to you.
I am trying to wrap my brain around what happened. Was it an accident, a fluke or did he just go overboard? Gosh I am holding your hand, (I don't think it's a good idea for a hug)
I think your experience is also an important reminder that Domestic Discipline is about much more than spanking. Spanking is only one tool, and it certainly isn't the whole of what makes a DD relationship what it is.
As for us, our plan right now is to continue this lifestyle for as long as we are able and as long as it continues to be right for both of us. But I don't see that as meaning that spanking must always be part of our relationship. There have been periods in our marriage when spanking was completely off the table, for one reason or another. That didn't mean that my husband stopped being the one in charge of our household or that the principles of our relationship disappeared.
As I mentioned in my post about our DD relationship before we were married, there are plenty of other things in his discipline "toolbox." Grounding, time-outs, loss of privileges, chores, writing, conversations, and other consequences can all be used. Sometimes the most important part isn't the particular consequence at all, but the accountability, the correction, and knowing that my husband is willing to step in when I need him to.
So if circumstances ever meant that spanking wasn't appropriate for us anymore, I don't automatically see that as meaning DD itself would have to end. Our relationship is about much more than one particular form of discipline.
But Calendula, more than anything else, I am praying for you. What happened sounds incredibly difficult, and I am so sorry that you are dealing with the physical and emotional aftermath of it. I pray that your body heals, that you are able to return to your normal life, and that the depression and hopelessness you're feeling begin to lift. I pray that you and your husband have wisdom as you decide what is right for your marriage going forward, and that God gives both of you peace, patience, and healing.
Please take care of yourself.
Lisa
Please see a licensed therapist. That is abuse he was not able to control himself ( dd says a man should control himself and not punish in anger or he'll hurt his wife). Does he show remorse for the more than two months of pain he caused you? If he does not he is a sadistic. There are rules and boundaries to this relationship. Read about the men who hurt their wives and cause permanent problems. They have remorse, which they should they are the leader this falls on them. Please also see a doctor something sounds seriously wrong. Accountability for men. If they ask to lead.
DeleteCan you make sure you leave a nickname when you post.
DeleteBut I agree. If this was not an accident then you need to really talk about boundaries and a licensed therapist should be involved.
Calendula, this is Linda. I post on here from time to time. I’m just writing for clarification. Did you have some type of accident that your husband deemed needed a punishment , or the fact that he punished so hard was the accident? Either way, the advice that other people are giving you is correct. I don’t read Aron’s blog much Because I just don’t like how he writes and how some of the men have commented over the years, but there was a man on there who recently wrote that he punished his wife this way occasionally and now also she has some kind of tearing or muscle issue, and she is unable to sit even though she’s on strong painkillers. He said he regrets very much doing this and is repenting and won’t use corporal punishment ever again. Unfortunately, I felt the author of that blog just brushed that off, which is a shame because I think that that happens a lot more than people think. I don’t know how someone can be punished in the same spot for years on end and not expect that eventually, there would be a permanent side effect. Perhaps you can see a doctor even if you don’t want to say how you got the injury. Blessings to you and I hope you feel better soon.
DeleteHey Linda. Well, the "accident" was mostly that I miscarried my first pregnancy, and wen hubby learnt that the child was disabled he started accusing me that i had done it intentionally, all of that. I do think this was my husband who wrote this, which does comfort me because of his loving tone in his message. He's had 2 other wives prior to me.The tearing happened almost casually, but we do know that this is most certainly linked to my punishments. But i don't really know whether this is only a muscular issue at this point. I just wanna be able to sit normally again :-). Take care, Calendula
DeleteEven if it was an accident there need to be a conversation and remorse on his part. Imagine the pain for two months? How is he holding himself accountable? I used the nickname Accountability for Both.
ReplyDeleteAlso you need to go this is not couples therapy if he hurt you that badly. That comes later if you want it. This is a red flag if hes not on his knees begging for forgiveness and making your life better. Accountability for Both
ReplyDeleteHello girls. Well I still have the a very difficult time right now, probably the worst injury of my whole life. Even the doctor said no young woman should have to suffer from this at 22. Because i've been relying on standing this much for 2 months, i'm now having terrible knee, hips and lower back pain too. I'm doing a lot of physical exercices to hopefully recover fully one day. But it does feel really hopeless, like it has anatomically become impossible to ever sit again. My husband lost control when he learnt that our baby was carrying a disability, and punished me really hard until i bled. He is still being more and more aggressive, for instance yesterday he shoved a piece of bread against my mouth, so that I'm now having blisters on my gums. He is repentant and says he'd stop. I pray a lot to be able to sit without pain again and be back on track this year. Calendula
ReplyDeleteLeave God hates abuse. It is not your fault your baby is disabled. He is not a man of God and you are right to leave he caused you to bleed. Slaves were set free in the Bible God loves wives. If he is that angry and out if control he will kill you. Call a womens shelter, get a protection from abuse. Accountability for Both
DeleteAll abusers are repentant and say they will stop. Leave hom until he completes batterer therapy. Accountability for Both
DeleteThis is the most horrible thing I have read on this blog. I am telling you. you need to get help. He should be arrested for assault. He is not a man. I told hubby and he is horrified. If he could call the police he would. He said the real measure of a man would be a man who would step up and take care of that child. He will not stop. He will sin wave through feeling bad (he wont though, he is just afraid you will leave) and being a violent is just going to escalate each time he does get mad.
DeletePlease please please please get help.
Lisa
Yes and know that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave. I work with veterans who are abusive. He took no accountability. Which a lot of men seem to ignore in this lifestyle. I'm not talking about a simple I'm sorry. If men can hurt their wives and watch them cry for mistakes they should have REAL consequences. This is what disturbes me about this community.But your man. Hates women. He thinks they are less. His sperms went into that child but he blames you. Abusive men do not take responsibility and have no accountability. They all cry like babies and pretend remourse. Did he offer to take a Domestic Violence class? No because he is not serious about changing. Get help the level of violence he doled out is scary. Men start out with words, then maybe pushing, hitting then choking. He started out causing irreprebale damage. And your child also deserves safety. If a man cannot love his child he is a monster. He will hurt that baby. Accountability for Both
ReplyDelete