It's About So Much More Than Spanking

 It's About So Much More Than Spanking

When people hear the words Domestic Discipline, I think one of the first things that often comes to mind is spanking. I understand why. It is one of the more visible and talked-about parts of our relationship. But the truth is, spanking is actually a very small part of our DD relationship.

In fact, I would say that spanking is reserved for maybe 10% of the issues we deal with.

That's it.

The other 90% is made up of something much more ordinary and, in my opinion, much more meaningful.

• Conversation: A lot of the time, Hubby and I simply sit down and talk through what happened. He listens to me, I listen to him, and together we work through the situation without it needing to become a disciplinary issue.

• Communication: We try to be open and honest with each other about our feelings, struggles, expectations, and needs. Good communication helps us address little problems before they become bigger ones and keeps us connected as husband and wife.

• Understanding: Hubby takes the time to understand why I'm struggling or why I reacted a certain way, rather than immediately focusing only on what I did wrong. He knows me well enough to recognize when I need correction and when I simply need patience, compassion, or a hug.

It's sometimes a scolding when I need one. It's sometimes being told to go have a little time out and think about my attitude or my choices. Sometimes it's a difficult conversation where Hubby helps me see something I couldn't see for myself. Sometimes it's a reminder of what I've promised him and what I promised myself.

And lots of times, it's simply a hug.

There have been plenty of moments when I've been upset, overwhelmed, stressed, or just struggling with something, and what I needed wasn't discipline at all. I needed my husband to look at me and understand what was really going on underneath my behavior.

Sometimes I don't need correction.

I need reassurance.

Sometimes I don't need a consequence.

I need someone to remind me that I'm loved.

And sometimes I just need to be held.

Hubby knows me. He knows when I'm being disrespectful because I'm genuinely choosing to be difficult, and he knows when my attitude is coming from exhaustion, stress, fear, or simply having too much on my plate. He knows the difference between me needing accountability and me needing compassion.

That is one of the things I appreciate most about his leadership.

Being the head of our household doesn't mean that every problem is solved with punishment. In fact, I think the opposite is true. A good leader knows that people are different, situations are different, and not every problem needs the same solution.

Hubby has a whole toolbox.

• Sometimes he uses a conversation.

• Sometimes he uses a firm voice.

• Sometimes he gives me a scolding because I need to hear some hard truths.

• Sometimes he sends me away for a little while to calm down and think.

• Sometimes he gives me a consequence that has nothing to do with spanking.

• Sometimes he simply looks at me and says, "Come here," and wraps his arms around me.

And yes, there are times when spanking is the right tool. But it is a tool reserved for the situations where he believes it is appropriate and necessary. It isn't the answer to everything, and it isn't the foundation of our relationship.

Love is the foundation.

Trust is the foundation.

Commitment is the foundation.

Our desire to see our marriage and our family succeed is the foundation.

Hubby wants the very best for me, and he wants our family to thrive. His leadership isn't about finding ways to punish me. It's about helping me become the best version of myself and helping us build the kind of marriage and family we both want.

Sometimes that means correcting me.

Sometimes that means challenging me.

Sometimes that means holding me accountable.

And sometimes that means recognizing that I am struggling and loving me through it.

I think that's something that can be easy to misunderstand about DD. From the outside, people may focus on the spanking and assume that is what the relationship is all about. But for us, the spanking is only a tiny piece of something much bigger.

Most of our days are completely ordinary.

We talk.

We laugh.

We work together.

We make decisions.

We take care of our home and our family.

We pray.

We encourage each other.

We disagree and then work through it.

And sometimes, when I mess up, Hubby helps me find my way back.

That's what his leadership means to me.

It's not about always having the strongest hand. It's about having the wisdom to know which tool to use.

A great leader doesn't use the same approach for every problem. He learns the person he is leading. He knows their strengths and weaknesses. He understands what motivates them, what hurts them, and what helps them grow.

That, to me, is the heart of our DD relationship.

The goal isn't punishment.

The goal is success.

The goal is a strong marriage.

The goal is a happy, healthy family.

The goal is for me to grow into the woman I want to be and for Hubby to be the husband and leader he wants to be.

Spanking may be part of our relationship, but it is only one small tool in a much bigger toolbox filled with communication, accountability, patience, grace, correction, forgiveness, encouragement, and love.

And honestly?

I'm grateful that Hubby knows me well enough to know which tool I need.