Why Was I Always Interested in Spanking?
Why Was I Always Interested in Spanking?
This is one of those questions I have asked myself for as long as I can remember.
Why spanking?
Why did it capture my attention long before I was old enough to understand relationships, marriage, or any of the things I write about today?
I know for me it was never about sexuality. In fact, I was quite young when I first became interested in the subject. I can remember being a little girl and making up stories with my dolls. Somehow those stories often involved one doll correcting another. It was almost always the boy doll correcting the girl doll. I couldn't have explained why at the time. It was simply something that interested me.
As I grew older, I found myself drawn to stories that included spanking scenes. Whenever I came across one in a book, it grabbed my attention. I remember reading novels like Ragtime and Huckleberry Finn and paying special attention whenever the subject came up.
I even remember looking up the word "spanking" in the dictionary. Not once, but many times. I would read the definition and then read the sample sentence. Looking back, that probably sounds strange, but I was fascinated by it. Not because I wanted to be spanked. Not because I understood it. I was simply curious.
Over the years I have tried to figure out where that curiosity came from.
Was it something in my upbringing?
Was it because Daddy spanked us when we deserved it? He wasn't harsh or unfair. It was simply the form of discipline that existed in our home. I always knew what was expected of me, and if I crossed a line there were consequences.
Or was it something deeper?
I sometimes wonder if there is a genetic component to it. I know that sounds odd, but my sister seems wired very much the same way. Neither of us influenced the other. Yet somehow we both developed a similar fascination with the subject. Maybe there is something about personality, temperament, or how some people are naturally drawn to certain ideas and dynamics.
Another thing I wonder about is whether Daddy ever spanked Mom. I never saw anything that would make me think he did. It was simply one of those questions that crossed my mind. I just wonder because I would love to know if it was passed down like a recessive gene. .
The truth is that after all these years, I still don't have a complete answer. I don't know exactly why spanking has always been a subject that caught my attention while other children were interested in entirely different things.
Maybe some interests are simply part of who we are.
Maybe some questions never get fully answered.
What I do know is that this curiosity has been with me for as long as I can remember.
In fact, it has inspired an idea for a fiction story I may write soon. The premise is simple: while sorting through old family belongings, I stumble across a collection of photographs that seem to reveal a side of my grandparents' marriage that nobody ever talked about. The discovery raises questions about family history, relationships, and whether some things have a way of being passed down through generations in ways we never fully understand.
Who knows? Maybe writing the story will help me explore some of these questions myself.
Which I did and is on the fiction page
Have any of you ever wondered why certain subjects fascinated you from such a young age? Were there interests that seemed to appear long before you understood them? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Hmm some people would say you are conditioned to associate love with pain and punishment having grown up that way. Others would talk about BDSM and the interconnectedness of pain and pleasure for some people. Some people think you can get addicted to spanking. Some people say it comes from childhood trauma. Some would say there is something wrong with your relationship and your both adults. But it is important to know the full Lisa. Thank you for sharing your journey in something I can't understand and try not to judge. I think what is important is you are giving your kids a choice and freedom to live another way depending on what they want. You broke a familial pattern. Wishing you the best in your journey of self discovery. Please be proud of yourself for at least a moment, many people don't ask hard questions of themselves. Wondering
ReplyDeleteWondering,
DeleteThank you for such a thoughtful and respectful response. I really appreciate that you are willing to consider perspectives that you don't necessarily understand without immediately judging them.
I think you touched on exactly why I wrote this post. I have asked myself many of those same questions over the years. Was I conditioned by my childhood? Is there something psychological behind my interest in spanking? Is it connected to the way I was raised? Is it simply something I have always been drawn to? I have wondered about all of those things, and yes, I have even jokingly wondered if there could be some sort of genetic component to it!
The truth is, I don't think I have one definitive answer. My interest in spanking certainly predates my marriage and my DD relationship, so I have always been curious about where it came from. At the same time, I don't believe that my childhood was traumatic, and I don't personally feel that my relationship with my husband is unhealthy. That doesn't mean my experiences or motivations couldn't be complicated, but I think it is important to distinguish between exploring the reasons behind something and assuming that there must be something wrong with me because of it.
I also appreciate what you said about my children. One of the things that matters most to me is that they grow up knowing they have the freedom to make their own choices about relationships and marriage. I don't expect them to live exactly as I do. I want them to find relationships that are healthy and fulfilling for them, even if those relationships look completely different from mine. In that sense, I do hope I have broken the pattern in my family—not by rejecting everything I was taught, but by making conscious choices about what I want to carry forward and what I want to leave behind.
And thank you for encouraging me to be proud of myself. I don't always stop to do that. Writing about these things publicly, even anonymously, requires me to look honestly at myself and ask some uncomfortable questions. I may not have all the answers, but I think there is value in continuing to ask them.
I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story and to engage with it so thoughtfully, you don't shy away from any of my post. I may never fully understand why spanking has been such a significant part of my life, but I have spent a lot of time trying to understand myself—and I think that is a journey worth taking.
- Lisa
Lisa, I hope you didn't think I thought something is wrong with you. Sorry if it came across that way. As a therapist I was trying to be inclusive and if someone was NOT in a consensual relationship to get help. However I think your site is very good with that. Telling women they have choices in lifestyles. Other sites tell women they have no choice and no autonomy. So yes, I try like you to be a respectful person although I hold myself accountable. I relate to you as a wife, mother, woman, Christian etc. Keep praising yourself. You are doing great, loving familysuccessful career, great mother. Wondering
ReplyDeleteYou did not say anything that would make me think that. I have thought that on my own. ha ha ha. I think a lot of women are critical of themselves. And what is even sadder when women are critical of other women. I remember when we decided to bottle feed, People acted like we were abusing my child.
DeleteI couldn't agree with you more about, "As a therapist I was trying to be inclusive and if someone was NOT in a consensual relationship to get help."
You know we both are a lot alike, and I try to hold myself accountable. Hubby just helps me at times.
Lisa, this is so thoughtful, I can definitely identify with this attraction to spanking that has always been there! For me, it certainly emerged in childhood, I also remember as a child sometimes asking my sister to spank me, even if in the aftermath I would always feel ashamed. I do think it is related to the discipline we had in early childhood: I still feel ceaselessly dragged back into my past memories of being disciplined as a toddler. For instance, I was 3 or 4, sleeping in the same room as my sister, she just screamed and my father directly came in, dragged me out of my bed, over his lap, and spanked me bare. I said nonchalantly "It doesn't even hurt", but I remember thinking "How do they find it normal to humiliate me to this point, like not only the pain, but also being exposed as the disgusting problem. So he spanked me even harder, Idk how much, maybe 25 total. Later when I was in my bed again, he came and said he loved me. My sister did only very rarely get punished, she was a very soft and quiet child, while I was more alive, experimenting , and therefore difficult. However, paradoxically, a few years later I grew a rising interest for spanking- not to agree with Freud, but some of our kinks do have a sociological explanation often rooted in childhood :-) Mira
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing something so personal, Mira.
DeleteI think childhood experiences can shape us in ways we don't always fully understand, and I appreciate your honesty about how your memories have stayed with you. It's crazy how something that may have been painful or confusing in childhood can later become connected to very different feelings and meanings as an adult.
I don't know that there is one simple explanation for why some of us are drawn to spanking, but I do think it is fascinating to reflect on where those feelings may have come from and how they have evolved over time.
-Lisa
Thanks for bringing this up, Lisa. I can strongly resonate with "being interested in this subject at a quite young age" -- when I was only 7 years old, as a kid in the first grade, once I was doing something dangerous in the hallway. When the teacher saw me, she swatted my bottom and told me to come down. At that moment, I found I liked that feeling. (So I tend to believe that there is a genetic component to this lol)
ReplyDeleteAs a kid who was raised in a traditional Asian household, I experienced corporal punishment for mistakes, bad habits, and low grades, before entering college. Sometimes that was a spanking on my bottom, but sometimes I got slapped on my face or head, if my dad didn't control his temper. And he didn't comfort me after those punishments, I was always left there crying and wondering whether he still loved me.
Admittedly, a strict parenting method has benefits (I think he made me become a polite and hardworking adult), but those childhood memories also gave me trauma. When reading fiction related to spanking, the most important part would always be the aftercare. Being far away from home and going to grad school made me grow up quickly. When dealing with the difficulty of making important decisions and learning to take on responsibilities, my imagination has always been being treated as a kid again. I always hope that I can have someone who cares enough to be angry about my mistakes, gives me the punishment when both of us have our emotions controlled, then hugs me, forgives me, and tells me I'm still loved. So yes -- while spanking is what turns me on, the underlying logic would always be love. Through this lens, I am still craving for what I didn't get when I was young.
-Jeremy