When I Want Him to Notice Something Is Wrong

But Don't Know How to Say It

I wrote this article and reading it I would like to apologize to hubby for the way my brain sometimes works. As I read it… it sounded a bit crazy,

There are times when something is wrong with me, and I don’t really know how to say it.

I’m stressed. I’m exhausted. I’m frustrated. I’m overwhelmed. Sometimes I’m emotional for reasons I can’t completely explain. Sometimes I’m carrying something around in my head that I haven’t figured out how to put into words yet.

And I’ll admit something that probably isn’t entirely fair to my husband:

Sometimes I want him to just notice.

I want him to look at me and somehow know.

I want him to notice that my smile isn’t quite the same, that I’m quieter than usual, or that I’ve been carrying too much. I want him to ask the right question and somehow know what kind of answer I need.

The funny thing is, Hubby is actually pretty good at this.

He knows me well. After all these years together, he can sometimes tell something is wrong before I’ve said a word. He knows my expressions, my tone of voice, and the difference between my “I’m fine” that actually means I’m fine and the one that definitely does not. Which most of the time it does not.

But as good as he is at knowing me, I can’t expect him to read my mind.

Sometimes I Want Him to Take Me in Hand

There are times when I’m overwhelmed and I don’t need a long conversation. Sometimes I need Hubby to take charge.

There is something comforting to me about being able to stop carrying everything for a little while and let him take the lead. Sometimes what I really need is accountability. Sometimes I need him to recognize that my attitude has gone sideways and help me get myself back under control.

And sometimes I don’t even realize that’s what I need until afterward. (I want to fix that)

That doesn’t mean every bad mood calls for discipline. It doesn’t mean I want him to automatically assume that something is wrong with my behavior. But there are moments when I know that being taken in hand would help me reset.

The hard part is admitting it.

Because saying, “I’m overwhelmed and I think I need you to take charge for a little while,” requires vulnerability.

It is much easier to huff, sigh, get quiet, or wander around hoping he figures it out.

Sometimes I Want His Advice.

I honestly do. I want him to fix it. I want him to give me one of his great ideas.

I need my husband to help me think.

Maybe I’m dealing with a problem at work. Maybe I’ve been worrying about something. Maybe I’ve gotten myself tangled up in a situation and can’t see the solution because I’m too close to it.

That’s when I want his advice.

And sometimes I want him to tell me what he thinks even if it isn’t necessarily what I want to hear.

That can be hard, too.

There are moments when I ask for advice while secretly hoping he’ll agree with me. Then he gives me his honest opinion and I have to decide whether I actually wanted advice or just validation!

I think that’s another part of marriage that takes maturity—being willing to listen when the person you trust sees something you don’t.

Sometimes I Just Want Him to Hold Me

• I don’t want advice.

• I don’t want a solution.

• I just want my husband to hold me.

Sometimes I don’t need anything fixed. I just need to feel safe enough to let the emotions come out. I need to put my head against his chest and breathe for a minute. I need to know that I don’t have to have everything figured out right then.

He doesn’t read minds

This is probably one of the biggest things I’ve learned about marriage: the same woman can need completely different things at different times.

The Problem With Expecting Him to Just Know

Here’s where I have to take responsibility.

As much as I love that Hubby can sometimes read me, I shouldn’t expect him to always do it.

He isn’t a mind reader.

What I need to work on

I can’t be frustrated with him because he didn’t understand a message I never actually communicated. (I blush thinking how many times I have done this to him)

That’s something I have had to work on.

There have been times when I’ve thought, If he really knows me, he should know what’s wrong.

But that’s not entirely fair.

Knowing someone well doesn’t mean knowing every thought inside their head.

• Sometimes I need to actually say, “I’m stressed.”

• Sometimes I need to say, “I don’t want advice right now. I just need you to hold me.”

• Sometimes I need to say, “I think I need you to take charge here.” Maybe a password like "“I think I need my husband.” which means I need to be taken in hand. Because I am to chicken to actually say it.

• And sometimes I simply need to say, “Something is bothering me, but I don’t know what it is yet. Can we talk?”

Those words are much healthier than expecting him to figure out a puzzle I haven’t even figured out myself.

I’m Still Learning!

I think women can sometimes fall into the trap of wanting our husbands to notice without wanting to tell them what we need.

Advice to y’all… I mean me!

And maybe that’s the lesson I would pass along to other wives: enjoy it when your husband knows you well enough to notice the little things, but don’t make mind-reading a requirement for being a good husband.

What do you all think? Do you have something that you do helps with this situation? I would love to hear from you all.