What If One of My Children Is Like Me?

What If One of My Children Is Like Me?

I am honestly a little scared as I write this.

One of the reasons I have always been so protective of my children's privacy is because I know what the internet can be like. People can be wonderful, supportive, and kind—but people can also be cruel. They can take pieces of someone's life, misunderstand them, judge them, or use information in ways the person never intended.

That is one reason I have always been very careful about what I put online.

And there is another reason.

We try to protect the children from the domestic discipline side of our marriage. Hubby and I have intentionally kept that part of our relationship between us. I don't want our children growing up feeling that this is something they are supposed to do because Mom and Dad do it. I don't want to influence their ideas about what their own marriages should look like.

There was one night, though, when that privacy was accidentally broken. Our son was about thirteen, and Hubby and I thought he was asleep. He wasn't. He heard Hubby spanking me, and I thought I was going to die of embarrassment. I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. Hubby, being the calm one, went and talked to him afterward. He explained that sometimes Mom is held accountable too, that this is something between the two of us, and that it wasn't something our son needed to worry about.

Our son never mentioned it again. Part of me was incredibly relieved that he seemed to accept the explanation and move on. But another part of me worried for a long time that somehow we had messed him up—that hearing something he wasn't supposed to hear at thirteen might change the way he viewed his parents or relationships. I suppose that fear is part of being a parent: knowing you can't control every experience your children have, even when you try your hardest to protect them.

Is it Nurture or Nature?

When they are adults, they will have to make those decisions for themselves.

And I will love them no matter what they choose.

But lately I have found myself wondering something that I honestly don't know how to answer.

What if one of my children grows up and wants a relationship like ours?

I sometimes wonder whether there is a genetic component to the desire for a particular relationship dynamic. I have certainly felt this pull toward submission and domestic discipline for as long as I can remember. Hubby has his own natural inclination toward leadership and responsibility in our marriage.

So I find myself wondering: Is some of this inherited?

I have even caught myself thinking about genetics in the most simplistic way. What if Hubby and I each carry something that contributes to these tendencies? What if there are different combinations of traits involved? What if some of our children inherit certain predispositions and others don't?

Of course, I realize I am probably trying to make something enormously complicated fit into a simple Punnett square.

There isn't a known single “domestic discipline gene” that works like eye color or some other simple inherited trait. Human behavior is much more complicated than that. Research into human sexuality and behavior suggests that genetics can contribute to some traits, but those traits are generally influenced by many genetic factors along with individual experiences and environment.

So my little mental exercise about dominant genes, recessive genes, and whether Hubby and I are carrying the same or different versions of something isn't really something science can answer for me.

But it is still a fascinating question to wonder about.

We have three children.

Three completely different little people who somehow came from the same two parents.

And I wonder sometimes if one of them will grow up and discover something about themselves that feels strangely familiar to me.

Maybe one of them will want a very traditional marriage.

Maybe one will want something completely different.

Maybe one will want to be the strong, independent partner who doesn't want anything resembling our dynamic.

Maybe one will eventually discover that submission, leadership, accountability, or some other aspect of relationship structure speaks to them.

Maybe none of them will.

And honestly, that's okay.

• I don't want to decide their futures for them.
• I don't want to plant an idea in their heads.
• I don't want them thinking, Mom and Dad have this kind of marriage, so maybe this is what marriage is supposed to be.

Our marriage is ours.

Their marriages will belong to them.

What matters to me far more than whether they someday choose a relationship resembling ours is whether they are happy, healthy, secure, loving, responsible adults who choose relationships where they are respected and where they can be themselves.

And so far?

I couldn't be more proud of them.

• All three of our children are getting straight A's.

• All three have heavy academic schedules.

• All three work incredibly hard.

• All three have good heads on their shoulders.

• And all three have an amazing work ethic.

Sometimes Hubby and I look at them and wonder how we got so lucky.

I'd like to take some credit. Maybe 25 percent of who they are is the result of Hubby and me—the guidance, the boundaries, the expectations, the conversations, the example we try to set. But I think the other 75 percent is simply them. They are genuinely great young people.

• They make good choices.

• They work hard.

• They care about their futures.

• They have their own personalities, strengths, weaknesses, dreams, and ideas.

And I don't want to take that away from them by assuming their lives will look like ours.

If someday one of my children comes to me and says, “Mom, I want a marriage that looks different from yours,” I hope my response is simply, “Okay. Tell me about it.”

And if someday one of them says, “Mom, I think I understand something about myself that you might understand better than most people,” I hope I can listen without judgment.

Maybe they will never have that conversation with me.

Maybe they won't need to.

Maybe this whole question will remain nothing more than a strange thought I had while sitting at my computer writing a blog post.

But I can't help wondering. With three children, three unique combinations of Hubby's genes and mine, and three completely separate lives waiting to unfold. Whatever paths they choose

• I hope they know that their father and I will always be in their corner.

• I hope they find people who love them.

• I hope they find relationships built on trust, respect, honesty, communication, and genuine affection.

• I hope they have the courage to walk away from relationships that aren't good for them.

• And most of all, I hope they are happy.

Because ultimately, I don't need them to become like me.

I just need them to become themselves.

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