Update: What happened Wednesday

Update: What happened Wednesday 

As a lot of you know, for a long time, I have kept a secret from my husband.

I have been writing this blog—and my other blogs—without him knowing about them. I knew it was wrong to keep something this important from the man I promised to love, honor, and respect. I also knew that eventually I would have to tell him the truth.

Many of you encouraged me to come clean. Some of you gently reminded me that secrets have a way of hurting the very relationships we are trying to protect. Others encouraged me to trust my husband and believe that honesty was the right thing to do.

I want to thank every one of you who supported me, encouraged me, and prayed for me as I wrestled with this decision.

Well, on Monday, I finally came clean.

I wrote my husband a letter explaining everything, and then I sat down and read it to him.

He listened.

He didn't interrupt me. He didn't speak. He never broke eye contact with me.

That silence was incredibly hard to take.

When I finished, he asked me for the websites. Then he told me that he needed some time to think.

And he really took some time.

For about five hours, he sat in my office with his laptop and his Bible. I gave him the space he asked for, but I have to admit that it was absolutely killing me inside.

My mind was racing.

What is he looking at?

What does he think about the blogs?

Is he angry?

Is he disappointed?

Is he going to tell me I have to stop?

I wanted to go in there and ask him a hundred questions, but I knew he needed time. So I waited.

When he finally came out, he told me that I could keep the blogs.

I was relieved.

But then he told me how disappointed he was that I had kept this from him.

That part hit me hard.

Then he said something that I don't think I will ever forget.

"Lisa, why do you think I am a monster? It's like you don't know me at all. Haven't I proven to you that I would have listened and supported you?"

Ouch. That went straight to my heart. Because he was right.

I had spent so much time worrying about how he would react that I never stopped to think about what my secrecy was saying about him. I was acting as if I already knew he would reject me, be angry with me, or refuse to understand.

But my husband has spent years proving to me that he loves me.

He has shown me, over and over again, that I can come to him with difficult things. He has supported me through some of the hardest moments of my life. And yet, when it came to something I was embarrassed and afraid to share, I chose secrecy instead of trusting him.

I am still ashamed of that.

He did tell me that I could continue blogging, but there would be some conditions.

He created a checklist for me to use before I post anything. The purpose is to help protect our privacy, our family, our marriage, and our identities. I need to be much more careful about what information I share and make sure that I am not putting any of us at risk.

I am grateful that he was willing to work with me instead of simply telling me to stop.

He gave me a 1 page writing assignment that I was supposed to complete by Friday.

I finished it on Wednesday.

The assignment was about respect, trust, and keeping things from my husband. It turned into an apology.

On Wednesday, I read it to him.

He praised me for the work I had put into it, and that meant a lot to me. I had poured my heart into those pages, and I wanted him to know that I understood why what I had done was wrong.

As part of my consequences, I was also to receive a belting for each of the three blogs, three days in a row. Those consequences were difficult, but they also gave me time to reflect on what I had done and why keeping secrets from my husband was not the way I wanted to handle our marriage.

After I finished my writing assignment, my husband gave me a choice.

He told me I could post it on the blog.

At first, I wasn't sure.

I am embarrassed by what I did. I don't enjoy admitting that I kept something this important from my husband. But after praying about it, I decided that I wanted to share it.

I am sharing it because I hope someone else can learn from my mistakes.

Secrets can start small. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we are keeping something secret because we are afraid of disappointing someone. Sometimes we think we are protecting our spouse from something they might not understand. Sometimes we convince ourselves that we will tell them "later."

But "later" can turn into months or years.

And the longer a secret is kept, the harder it becomes to tell the truth.

I wish I had trusted my husband enough to tell him from the beginning.

I wish I had believed that he would listen.

I wish I had remembered all the times he had already shown me that I could trust him.

Most of all, I wish I had understood that keeping something from him was not an act of protection. It was a failure to show him the trust and respect that he deserved from me.

I am thankful that my husband chose to listen.

I am thankful that he took the time to think and pray before responding.

I am thankful that he was willing to forgive me and find a way forward.

And I am thankful for all of you who encouraged me to do the right thing, even when doing the right thing was scary.

So, with my husband's permission, I am sharing the writing assignment I wrote for him.

I am embarrassed.

But I also believe there is value in being honest about our mistakes. Maybe someone reading this is keeping a secret from their spouse. Maybe you are afraid of what will happen if you tell the truth.

I can't promise you what your spouse's reaction will be.

But I can tell you this: I wish I had trusted mine enough to find out.

And sharing this assignment is one more way that I can show my husband that I respect him, that I am sorry, and that I am committed to doing better.

Click the pictures below to read pages 1 and 2 of my apology writing assignment.