Ask Me Anything
Ask Me Anything... I'd Love to Hear From You!
One of my favorite parts of writing this blog isn't actually the writing—it's reading your comments afterward.
Over the years I've been amazed by the thoughtful questions, personal stories, and encouraging conversations that have grown out of these posts. Some of you have been with me for years, while others have just recently stumbled across my little corner of the internet. No matter how long you've been here, I truly appreciate every one of you.
Today I thought it would be fun to do something a little different.
Let's have a Question & Answer post!
If you've ever wanted to ask me something but weren't sure if it was appropriate, this is your invitation.
No, I don't claim to have all the answers. I'm simply sharing what has worked for my husband and me over the years. Sometimes my answer may come from personal experience, sometimes from lessons we've learned the hard way, and sometimes I may simply say, "I don't know." But I'll always do my best to answer honestly.
Here are just a few ideas if you're not sure what to ask:
- Domestic Discipline
- Marriage and keeping a relationship strong
- Respect and submission in marriage
- Communication between husband and wife
- Rebuilding trust after conflict
- Apologies and forgiveness
- Spanking implements
- Maintenance spankings
- Rules and consequences
- Aftercare
- Balancing work and family life
- Raising children
- Empty nest preparations
- Keeping romance alive after many years of marriage
- Faith and marriage
- Starting a Domestic Discipline relationship
- Common mistakes we've made
- Things I wish I had known years ago
- Blogging about such a private lifestyle
- Or anything else you're simply curious about!
If your question is something I think others would benefit from, I may even write an entire blog post answering it in more detail.
And here's something I'd really love to encourage: everyone is welcome to answer questions too! One of the greatest strengths of this blog is the wonderful community that has formed here. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences, and sometimes another reader's perspective is exactly what someone needs to hear. The only thing I ask is that we treat one another with kindness and respect. It's perfectly fine to disagree, but let's do so graciously. This should always be a place where people feel comfortable asking sincere questions without fear of being criticized.
One small favor...
If you're commenting anonymously, would you please sign your comment with a nickname or pseudonym?
It can be something as simple as Hopeful Wife, Curious Reader, Learning Together, or whatever you'd like. It makes it so much easier for me to reply personally instead of saying, "Hello Anonymous #17."
Many of you already do this, and I absolutely love it. It helps our conversations feel much more personal while still allowing everyone to maintain their privacy.
I truly believe there are probably several other readers wondering the very same thing you're thinking about asking. So don't be shy.
Go ahead...
Ask me anything.
And if you have wisdom or experience that could help answer someone else's question, please jump into the conversation! The more we learn from one another, the stronger this community becomes.
I'm looking forward to reading your questions and hearing everyone's thoughts!
Does a spanking actually hurt or is it more exciting?
ReplyDeleteGood question - I know there are people who are excited about spankings. I do not like spankings. They hurt so much! I do not like the guilt of a punishment spanking. Now that being said... the sub space after is an amazing place to be. Also memories of spankings can spike the endorphins. I hope that answers your question as far as I feel. Looking forward to other's answers.
DeleteHonestly, is a spanking more pain or excitement ?
ReplyDeleteDear Lisa,
ReplyDeleteWhat I find most powerful, and most effective, is the humbling that comes from a spanking. Can you or any of your readers share what makes them most feel that sense of being humbled? For me, it is being made to fetch the instrument, or being made to wait for the spanking while naked, bent over, and with the instrument (usually his belt) draped over my lower back/ bottom. The latter often goes on for about the amount of time I think others may be put in the corner. It’s a powerful way to put me in my place. Im just wondering if others have things that most humble them and remind them that they are not in charge. Thank you, Curious Reader
Hey, Curious Reader.
DeleteThank you for such an honest question. I have a feeling you're not the only one wondering about this, so I'm glad you asked.
For me, the things that humble me the most aren't necessarily the spanking itself. It's everything leading up to it.
Corner time has always been one of the hardest parts for me. Standing there quietly with nothing to do except think about my attitude or the choices that brought me there gives me time to let my defenses fall away. By the time I'm called out of the corner, my heart is usually in a much different place than when I first went there.
The lecture is another big one. Listening while my husband calmly explains what I did wrong, why it mattered, and what he expects from me is incredibly humbling. It's hard to argue with someone who is speaking out of love and wants what's best for our marriage. It reminds me that he's leading, and my job in that moment is to listen rather than defend myself.
And yes, having to retrieve the implement after I'm already undressed is also very humbling for me. There is something about that simple act of obedience that reminds me I am not the one in charge. It requires me to set aside my pride and trust his leadership, even when it isn't what I would choose for myself.
I'd also be interested to hear from other readers. What part of the discipline process is the most humbling for you? Is it the conversation beforehand, waiting, corner time, writing an apology afterward, or something else entirely?
As always, thank you for asking such a thoughtful question. I love when our readers share their own experiences because we all learn from one another.
Hugs, Lisa
Cdd /dd contract that is what the single guy wants and has been working on.
ReplyDeleteHi, I have never had a contract it has been just an unwritten agreement. I am sure if you do a web search you will find examples. But I do not have one.
Delete- Lisa
this is paddles111 in your opinion how should a person do Aftercare the right way?
ReplyDeleteHey Paddles 111,
DeleteEverybody likes different things for aftercare. For me however, I like being held and assured that all was forgiven. I know some of my friends like to have cream applied to their bottoms. I would love to find out what others like for aftercare.
-Lisa
Aftercare for me is sitting on his lap, still bare bottomed and after corner time. I let my tears soak into him! Then I am sent to bed. Mrs Rachel Evans
DeleteSingle Male, Will your contract also have your rules, responsibilities and consequences? Wondering
ReplyDeleteWe do have rules and responsibilities and we have consequences for that behavior. If you look back in my blog past I have written about both of those. " Why Our Rules Matter — and How They Shaped Me" and "When Rules Have Consequences - The Loving Structure Behind Them"
DeleteHi, I was asking the Single Male who posted? I wondered from a male pov? Thank you for answering Lisa. Wondering. Don't know if its against the rules to question a post?
DeleteOhhh sorry. Please leave a nickname so I know who is writing what.
DeleteSorry it's wondering again. I have a lot of questions. Thanks for being patient.
DeleteWondering,
DeleteNo worries. I love it. Keep asking.
-Lisa
Lisa, How does the HOH make a decision that is fair for the relationship? Wondering
ReplyDeleteAnother great question Wondering,
DeleteI would say all the normal things like taking everything in consideration and ballancing needs and wants. However, I think where hubby shines is.... he thinks "long-term" where I am very immediate. We have made goals and a plan to reach those goals and he thinks about those goals like all three of our kids going to college.
Anyone want to jump in for decision making of their HOH?
-Lisa
What does an HOH actually do? It seems ambiguous? Wondering
ReplyDeleteHey wondering,
DeleteHOH stands for head of house. I make choices all day long and I like it when I don't have to make decisions. I like that he makes the final choice. On important things he ask for my input and for somethings he just wants me to choose. If I was to boil it down to individual task off the top of my head it would be...
1. Providing leadership
2. Being fair and consistent
3. Protecting and providing and
4. Encouraging growth
I hope that helps.
What about y'all. What does your HOH do?
- Lisa
Also I would like to point out... I don't see it as him having "power over" me and more as him "accepting greater responsibility"
DeleteHi Lisa, Have you ever known anybody who withdrew consent? Did they stay married? Or anybody who started discipline late into their marriage? Wondering
DeleteHi Lisa, As far as being humbled by a spanking, it was always the day after. I would look in the mirror before my shower and see my bruised bottom. Then the soreness I felt when I moved or sat at work. This reminded me that I was under my husband’s hand and his authority. It made me want to please him not so much because I didn’t want another spanking but to show respect for the man he was. Lady in Red
DeleteLady in Red,
DeleteOh my gosh yes. It is very humbling when I see that I am wearing his marks. I get a little melancholy when they fade.
Wondering,
DeleteFor your question on withdrawing consent. Unfortunately because this lifestyle is a dirty little secret I don't have any really friends in real life that share this dynamic.
And I wonder if they got out of it would they speak favorably of it.
Like I said, this is not for everybody. You have to want it.
I am sure a guy would want to continue, just like sex, when women do not want it any more. It puts a strain on the marriage.
I don't know if that helped at all.
-Lisa
Lisa, why would a man want to continue when his wife asks him to stop? Does this lifestyle benefit men more? I'm curious because I hear more often then not a woman asks for this lifestyle. Wondering
DeleteThe single guy here, Of course a contractShould have rules and consequences.
ReplyDeleteI have learned that there are many different ways each couple set up their Dynamic.
A firm foundation with good communication and both her and him are on the same page. Relationships are chaotic and hard to manage and most people don’t know how to communicate. It is not all about punishment. It’s about functioning productively. It’s a beautiful system if it’s done right. tIh, sub,wife he’s giving up her control and removing herself from running over her husband, dom And giving him her submissive side, but it’s all about trust and true honest communication
Oh if you think it is crazy... wait till you have kids. Everything you love to do.... get corrupted. You like to eat out?... nope. You like sex?... nope. You like to play card games?...nope. You like to spank?...nope.
Delete-Lisa
Hi Single Male I asked if rules and consequences for you are in the contract? You are right it's not all about punishment. Wondering
DeleteOh my gosh no. I do not regret having kids. Besides saying "I do" it is the 3 most amazing things I have done. I have been so blessed by amazing kids and I am very grateful.
Delete-Lisa
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI messed up.... I deleted the wrong thing.... this is what the comment said....
DeleteWould you say the structure within your home makes you “better” outside of the home (e.g. your job)?
-Different Lives
Different Lives,
DeleteI am sorry I deleted your comment. I copied it and reposted it on my own...
I love your question,.
My answer is: Oh my gosh yes... despite not liking spankings. I need them. The spankings make me a better...
Lover
Wife,
Mom
Friend
Christian
Co worker
Teacher
Driver
etc.
-Lisa
Different Lives,
DeleteThe structure in my marriage definitely makes me better in many ways outside of our home. I learn so much from my husband that makes me a better person. Since accepting his leadership and enduring many lectures and corrections from him, I’ve become more thoughtful about my actions in general, more respectful to others, more generous to those who are less fortunate, more organized and productive with errands, household duties, and at work. Another big one is that I procrastinate less. It isn’t all because I fear being spanked. Much of it is simply that I want to make him proud and once I accepted his leadership, I realized that the things he requires of me are just plain good habits and common sense that I should have known all along. - Grace
What would you do if you felt he took a punishment too far?
ReplyDelete(Nickname),
DeleteHubby has set up a system for communication.
1. Immediately - I can use our safe word - Which we also have one for a pause not a stop.
2. After - We talk about it. (I think I wrote a blog post about it) I will tell him that I felt he went to far. We talk about it. I think only one time we both agreed. However, most of the time when he breaks it down I realize there was so much more that I missed. Which is really good because that means the misdeed was not fully addressed and now I know why I was punished.
-Lisa
Lisa, What advice would you give if someone were considering this lifestyle? Wondering
ReplyDeleteWondering, what I get out of this lifestyle is a deep sense of security, comfort, and love. I admire my husband deeply, and I want his leadership. I feel cared for that he corrects me when I make a mistake, rather than watching me fail or getting irritated because I’m not as good as him at some tasks. He’s better educated, has a strong moral compass, is kind and wise, and I want to learn from him. He can be stern when necessary, but he’s never unnecessarily harsh. I think what I’m saying is that I feel challenged in a good way and made better by learning from him, and I feel cared for that he tries to help me grow and learn. I would not want to be in this lifestyle if I were married to a man that I didn’t look up to and respect. Then again, I wouldn’t want to be married to someone like that either. I hope this makes sense. From Molly
DeleteMolly,
DeleteThat was perfect. I couldn't even add anything. You said it completely.
Wondering,
DeleteI would also include that we both bring some unique things to the table and when we cater to our strengths it really helps. We are both smart in different areas. He is a natural leader, very decisive, very future focused. Where I am really good at the thing that is right now. I let him lead because he is good at it. I have seen some relationships where the woman is better and they let her lead. Just play to your strengths.
-Lisa
Lisa, What does a woman get out of this situation? Single Male said a man does not get run over. And trust me most people don't value peace enough. Wondering
ReplyDeleteWondering,
DeleteI can't speak for other women, just myself. What I get out of it is great leadership, not having to make all the decisions, and of course being taken in hand is a great stress relief for me.
I do not like the comment, "a man does not get run over." If you feel you are in a relationship like that, it needs fixing.
-Lisa
Lisa, I did not write that the single male wrote it to describe what men get out of the lifestyle. I didn't like it either.
DeleteHow does your husband show you respect? He does seem like a good guy, it shows in your writing. But a lot of sites only talk about respect for the husband. Which is important but women cant follow disrespect. Wondering
DeleteHi, Wondering.
DeleteI think that is an excellent question.
You're absolutely right that a wife cannot be expected to follow a husband who consistently treats her with disrespect. In fact, I would argue that respect has to flow both ways if a marriage is going to be healthy and thrive over the long term.
My husband shows me respect in many ways, most of which are not dramatic or exciting. They show up in the everyday moments of life.
He listens to me. Even when he ultimately makes a decision that differs from what I would choose, he wants to hear my thoughts and genuinely considers them. I've never felt like my opinions don't matter.
He speaks to me respectfully. We have disagreements like every married couple, but he doesn't belittle me, mock me, call me names, or intentionally embarrass me. I know that may sound like a low bar, but sadly not every marriage has that.
He values what I contribute to our family. Whether it's my work as a teacher, caring for our home, helping our children, or simply being his wife, he lets me know that what I do matters.
He protects me. Sometimes that means physically, but more often it means emotionally. I know he has my back. If life gets difficult, I'm not facing it alone.
He serves me too. People sometimes assume that because we have a Domestic Discipline relationship, everything flows one direction. That's not how our marriage works. When I've been sick, he's taken care of me. When I'm overwhelmed, he steps in and helps. When I've faced challenges, he's encouraged me. There have been many times when he has put my needs ahead of his own.
Perhaps most importantly, he accepts responsibility for his leadership. If he's wrong, he admits it. If he makes a poor decision, he doesn't blame me. He takes ownership. That builds a tremendous amount of trust.
I think one reason respect gets discussed so much in DD circles is that many wives struggle with it, myself included. I know I certainly do at times. But that doesn't mean husbands get a free pass. A husband who expects respect while giving none is not leading—he's demanding.
The respect in our marriage isn't based on fear. It's based on love, trust, and years of seeing his character in action. I follow him because I know he loves me and wants what's best for our family.
I'd be interested to hear from other readers as well. What are some ways your spouse makes you feel respected and valued? I think that's a conversation worth having.
Thanks for asking such an important question.
-Lisa
I'm not sure I understand how Domestic Discipline works for other people exactly. Do you ever stay out of trouble long enough that you miss the experience of being punished? Or could you be satisfied if punishment was never called for? Do you use other ways to get disciplinary spankings, like maintenance, role-play punishment, deliberately acting out to earn a punishment, or by setting standards too high to meet? Is it even possible to satisfy a need for punishment if there is no real legitimate reason for it?
ReplyDelete--Ross
Ross,
DeleteOh my gosh Lots of great questions. I am going to answer them in different replies.
"Do you ever stay out of trouble long enough that you miss the experience of being punished?"
1. Both maintenance and punishment spankings have a different feel. And just like on my "Spanking Journal Blog" the punishment spankings get more views than the Maintenance spankings. The dynamic of how I am taken in hand is different. I do like seeing hubby in that "Take Charge" mode even if it is me. So there is times I miss that. It takes all my being to not be snappy with him to force his hand to punish me.
Heck when I was going through my cancer bout there was no spanking at all and I was crawling the walls.
Ross,
Delete"Do you use other ways to get disciplinary spankings, like maintenance, role-play punishment, deliberately acting out to earn a punishment, or by setting standards too high to meet?"
2. Early on in our marriage Role play punishment we tried a couple of times. It was fun but after kids it did not play out as well. But I think that is why I write the Fiction Spanking Stories. They live in my brain during love making.
-Lisa
How can a wife keep work in perspective? Some wives do work outside the home. I struggle with letting the work priorities, work stress, and even pride in my success at work affect my attitude and demeanor, which leads me to behave less respectfully, de-prioritize my husband’s needs, and sometimes neglect the house. He rarely corrects me for this, and I know he wants me to continue working. I just wish I could find a way to stop letting work make me feel masculine and like I’m an equal at home. That’s not what I want, yet between modern society and the need to work, I slip easily into it sometimes, especially when life gets busy. - Molly
ReplyDeleteHi, Molly.
DeleteThank you for asking such a thoughtful question. I imagine you're speaking for a lot of wives who read this blog.
I work outside the home too, so I completely understand what you're describing. At school, I'm a teacher and a department lead. I'm expected to make decisions, solve problems, manage people, and take charge. Those are all good things—they're part of doing my job well.
The challenge is remembering that work is a role I perform, not who I am.
When I walk through my front door, I have to make a conscious mental shift. My husband isn't my coworker, and our marriage isn't another workplace where we're negotiating responsibilities or competing over whose opinion carries more weight. I want our home to feel different from my workplace.
That doesn't mean I stop thinking or contributing. My husband values my opinions, and we talk through decisions together. But I also want to remember that he carries the responsibility of leading our home, and I want my attitude to reflect that rather than the mindset I've been in all day at work.
I've also noticed that stress has a sneaky way of showing up as impatience. If I've had a difficult day, it's easy to become short with my husband or to let household responsibilities slide because I'm mentally exhausted. I've had to learn that those are signs I need to slow down and intentionally reconnect with him instead of bringing my work frustrations into our home.
One thing that helps me is taking a few minutes to decompress before I fully jump into the evening. I am really fortunate to have an hour commute and mile by mile I leave work behind. Sometimes it's changing out of my work clothes, spending a few quiet moments in prayer, or simply reminding myself that I'm leaving work behind and coming home to the people I love most.
Please don't be too hard on yourself. The fact that you're asking this question tells me your heart is in the right place. You're aware of the struggle and you want your marriage to come first. That's a wonderful place to begin.
I'm curious what other working wives do. Do you have a routine that helps you transition from "work mode" to "home mode"? I'd love to hear what's worked for others because I think we can all learn from one another.
-Lisa
Hello Ma'am. What is the punishment you fear the most? Mrs Rachel Evans
ReplyDeleteMrs. Evans,
DeleteThe simple answer is the Bath Brush. The more complex answer probably includes when I do something really boneheaded. Then the worse part is the lecture. I can't explain how bad it is. it is just horrible.
-Lisa
Hi Lisa. Agree, a lecture alone has brought me to tears too. The emotional feelings can be extremely intense. Then there’s the actual spanking tears and finally the release. Oh, the wooden bath brush is definitely fearful. But I thought you would have said being taken to the barn/woodshed. That’s something I truly fear! But also know at times it has to be done. Obviously, not leading up to or during it but afterwards we both love how it brings me back to being a good submissive better behaved girl. Not sitting so comfortable for a few days and walking more gingerly, thinking who may notice reinforces the lesson learned. Not to mention wearing longer skirts and dresses too! Thank you again for your wonderful commentary and to the readers also.
DeleteMrs. Evans,
DeleteThe punishment I fear the most is any loss of privileges. A verbal correction and a spanking both resolve things immediately. I can endure that embarrassment and humbling, and physical discomfort — and then all is well right quickly. I learn and we move on. But a loss of privileges lasts much longer and is just as humbling for me. Loss of privileges … like TV, choosing my own bedtime, using social media or having access to a credit card. Those are all hard to endure, and a strong reminder of who is in charge in our house. Those types of punishments give me a sense of shame the entire time it lasts and I feel embarrassed that I’m being treated like a child. My husband reserves it for when I repeatedly break a rule that is relevant to the privilege (like overspending). - Molly
Oh my gosh yes Molly,
DeleteI forgot about being grounded or loss of privileges. I would take a spanking any day over that. Quick and done with. No long guilt. No sitting stewing over my choices.
-Lisa
Molly and Lisa. Thank you for your replies. I feel envious of you. I don't set my own bedtime or have social media or a credit card. Having said that there are many privileges I can loose such as spanding, leaving the house and dress.
DeleteHey Anonymous, (please add a nickname next time)
Deletethank you for answering.
We are not to far off. I have a be in bed time but it's later during the summer. But he can move it earlier if needed. Not having social media is probably a good thing. I waste so much time on it. We do not have credit cards, just debit cards and I have 2 of them from two different banks because I am on the road so much to work and I do the grocery shopping.
I am blushing because before kids were over 2 I would lose clothing privileges too at home. That is very humbling.
-Lisa
Ma'am. I apologise. That last comment about spending etc was from me. Mrs Rachel Evans
DeleteLisa, How do you think your husband feels when he spanks you and you cry? Wondering
ReplyDeleteWondering,
DeleteHmmm that is a good one. First I can't answer for him, and I wonder if he would tell the truth if he was a bit turned on by it. But what I can say is if it were me, I would have equal thirds 33.3% Feeling bad for me. 33.3% Doing his job and has to get it done. and 33.3% satisfaction that it's working as he says, no tears no punishment.
If any guys want to answer: How do you feel when you spank a woman and she cries? (and be honest it's a safe place).
Oh actually women too, if the woman spanks or if they ask their hubby.
-Lisa
Hi Lisa,
DeleteI actually asked my husband once what he felt when he spanked me for punishment, and his answer was "sad sympathy mixed with grim satisfaction". There is undoubtedly something to be said about the knowledge that what he is doing is both effective and necessary, for BOTH of us. And in our own way discipline does bring us closer together, even if it is unpleasant.
Hi Maya,
DeleteYes I imagine hubby feeling bad for me. But I can't imagine that he likes the results of my red bottom.
Interesting blog, Lisa. I can tell you that when my wife cries, it intensely clarifies for me my role to lead her, protect her. It helps me to speak more directly with her but to be gentle at the same time. These are spankings just because I can tell we would benefit, not for specific rules. Our family has been through a couple of painful situations. During them, my wife would sometimes cry while looking directly into my eyes for leadership. I responded to the challenge of her looking to me so closely for solutions, and it was good for our marriage and for these situations. These real spankings are rituals creating similar moments between us.
DeleteHello A Dad,
DeleteThank you for your comment. I like that you find it a role to lead her. Hubby told me he learned in the Navy that the first rule of leadership.... "He only succeeds when I succeed" So it is not always about being spanked but it is one of the tools in his leadership bag.
- Lisa
Lisa, What is your most important rule for marriage? Wondering
ReplyDeleteThat is easy. The one I get in most trouble for is Safety. If I put myself or family in danger then I am in big trouble. More than respect, more than spending, more than forgetting chores combined.
DeleteIf you're really open to any question, can I ask how the husband usually behaves while his wife is pregnant in a dd marriage where gender roles are strictly defined? Does he still spank you and is strict or is he spoiling you and very caring like in a "regular" marriage?
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous (please add a nickname next time)
DeleteFor me, as soon as the pregnancy was known all spanking stopped. That is because we lost a child the first time, and despite it probably not an issues the first trimester, we were not taking any chances.
-Lisa
Do you regret having kids? (it's in response to your earlier comment:"Oh if you think it is crazy... wait till you have kids. Everything you love to do.... get corrupted. You like to eat out?... nope. You like sex?... nope. You like to play card games?...nope. You like to spank?...nope.
ReplyDelete-Lisa")
Oh my gosh no. There are 5 things in my life that are my greatest moments. In reverse order.
Delete5, 4, and 3 - Are my kids.
2 - When I said, "I do" none of this would have happened without my choosing him.
1 - Choosing to follow God
-Lisa
Hi Lisa! Actually, do you have any advices on how to write this well? Your stories feel truly immersive and stylistically advanced... I'm very interested in writing too so if you have some tips... Also another question: does your husband/ kids / relatives know about your blog? Calendula
ReplyDeleteHey Calendula,
DeleteIf you look at my older writing its really bad. I struggled with tenses, and descriptions. I am an engineering teacher and most of my previous writing is technical writing. I asked a friend of mine from the English department to help me get better. So here is my procedure.
1. Subject statement
2. Outline (takes 20% of the time)
3. Split screen on computer with outline on the left and blank document on right
4. I try to include in each story
a. How I am feeling - what is going through my brain and be descriptive.
b. Senses - I try to describe what I smell, or see or hear with comparisons. Like, "the whip burned like the lick of the devils tongue on my skin" or "I buried my face in his shirt and the scent was a clean lavender smell"
c. What would I want in a story
5. Edit and remove a lot. The story is always to long.
I hope that helps.
No one in my family knows about the blogs. Not even husband.
- Lisa
How hard does your husband actually spank you and do you feel free to say no or to stop it anytime? In your stories you always tell us you get punished while the kids are far away (which I guess is much better management comparedd to 95% of dd couples who might not often have childfree time), but was there any instances where your children might've inadvertently heard sounds or so? Are all stories you write about true or are some totally made up or exaggerated? Calendula
ReplyDeleteHi Calendula,
ReplyDeleteGreat questions, there is a lot to unpack here. I will go systematically.
How hard does your husband spank: He spanks me really hard, but that is from me and I request it, because I need to feel it. I have a high threshold of pain and I need a good cry. For those in the DD relationship will understand that sometimes it's hard to cry.
Are you free to say no or to stop: Yes, we have a few safe words. One pauses to talk, one pauses to recover, and one stops.
Are there any instance where children might have heard. One of the reasons we don't unless the kids are out of the house, is because the son might have heard when he was much younger.
Are the stories True - 0% are true on the fiction sight. 98.2% are true on the journal spanking sight. There has been some older stories that I do not remember 100%. There is also one that I am protecting another person and I changed the story to another person.
Thank you for asking
-Lisa
Lisa, I'm trying to be respectful as I read so much love in your marriage. I don't like women being denied access to clothing. I was always taught this is a basic human right. Food, clothing and shelter. But I dont live thisifestyle perhaps I am.misunderstanding. What is the reasoning for this?Wondering
ReplyDeleteHi Wondering, I know you asked Lisa, but I thought I’d offer my thoughts too. I hope that’s okay.
DeleteI’ve never been required to be nude for long periods of time, but I still think I understand it. When I’m required to remove my clothes and stand bare in front of my husband while he is fully clothed, the power dynamic between us is underscored. The fact that he’s the only person in charge and that I am to submit is crystal clear, and I feel small and vulnerable. Sometimes when I am getting ready for a difficult day at work, I think of my clothing as a suit of armor that protects me from the world. The opposite is also true. Being nude while my husband is fully dressed - shoes, belt, etc., makes me feel small and powerless, vulnerable and ashamed to be in trouble again. It’s a strong start to whatever correction he’s trying to give me. Daisy 🌼
Yes the few times I have been required to be nude during the day and my chores. Felt freeing. I was allowed shoes when going outside. No one is there to see and we live in the middle of some land so no one can see driving by.
Delete-Lisa
Thank you for your explanation. We can disagree respectfully. But this helps me understand.
DeleteWondering, I love this so much... I love that we can disagree and still show mutual respect. Hugsss
Delete-Lisa
Lisa, wow! I’ve been out of town and unable to post since suggesting the idea of an FAQ. I am so excited that it’s up now and that there is so much engagement! I love reading what others are thinking, wondering, questioning, and experience. This is so great! Thank you for taking the time to do this. Daisy 🌼
ReplyDeleteHey Daisy,
DeleteThanks for the idea. I love reading their comments and questions too. So fascinating.
I could have only done this during the summer. During the school year is to much work to reply to this many comments.
-Lisa
Hello Lisa, thanks for being open to any question. As an experienced mother of three, what advices would you give? -I'm about to have my first baby in a couple months and am both scared and excited- Also, I'm not sure if I should also discipline my children the way our generation was... but I don't think it would work to raise children even if it does in some marriages like yours and mine... I'm still kinda having a quandary about this, I don't really know, would you perhaps have anything to say about this? Mira
ReplyDeleteMira,
ReplyDeleteohhhh my gosh I am so happy. Hmm Advice: Listen to your doctor, take those prenatal vitamins. Let your husband help as much as he can. If Friends, family or church or anything else is near let them help too. You are going to be so tired but it is the most amazing job ever.
Spanking stopped for us right away when I was pregnant.
We do not discipline the children like we were and that is okay. You will know what works and what does not. Don't let others pressure you. Just because I am spanked does not mean they are. I have a choice. I go with the understanding that although I have a lot of jobs. One of my jobs is momma and I believe that "You only succeed when they succeed!"
Again, I am so excited for you.
-Lisa
Oh my god thanks for your support Lisa! We're also very excited and my husband especially to meet our little boy soon! I think I'll be such a softie with them and spoil him, even if it's hard because I didn't grow up with a mother myself, hence explaining why I'm asking around and taking advice from others. I'm mostly scared of postpartum, like does the depression really hit hard, do you manage to recover well and fully bounce back in order to be fully present for your child? Mira
ReplyDeleteHey Mira,
DeleteEeeeeeee A boy!!! I bet dad is through the roof!!!! You can't spoil a baby. But when the boy gets older, I would urge against spoiling him. Love him, protect him, and do what is best for him. Remember you loved your husband first and that is the one you need to support. Meaning if you spoil your son and hubby is seen as the bad guy then that is not fair to him. United front! You want him to be a well adjusted young man.
As far as Postpartum gosh I got it pretty rough with my last girl. I started spending a lot of money on stupid things. Hubby was not happy with me. This is how much he was amazing. Despite hiding the purchases from him, he did not spank me. He talked to me, he put a little limit on my card and got me in touch with couple of women at church to talk to me. They would come over daily and spend time with me. Take the little ones off of my hands for a while and let me rest. I had their phone numbers and could call them any time. It really was a life saver.
Lean on your friends and recognize if you are going through that.
-Hugs, Lisa
Hi Lisa, That is pretty amazing. A lot of men and women don't recognize postpartum. I like that he didn't spank you for a legitimate illness that you have no control over. If only more was said about this. Did he step up to help you with kids, house, etc.stop spanking you when you were ill? I also like that you have a good church. A lot of churches are not educated about this important issue.Blessings to the women who helped a sister in Christ. Wondering
ReplyDeleteI have been blessed. I pray that people have the resources that I had. there has to be literature for Churches to read.
DeleteSingle Guy here ! What would drive a single woman to desire CDD/DD?
ReplyDeleteHi Single Guy,
DeleteFor me (I cannot answer for others) it is part of my soul. I swear it has to be in my DNA.
- Lisa
Hi Lisa,
ReplyDeleteIt has been a while since I posted here but I am happy to see such a great interactive forum on here! :)
My question to you is: if other members of your family or close friends knew about this, how do you think they would react? Do you think anyone else knows or suspects?
I am also, like you, a disciplined wife. We try our best to keep this secret in real life and as far as we know, no one else knows except for us... and well, our oldest daughter. We have two daughters, and a few years ago when my oldest was 9 she actually asked me on our way to school the next day, "Mom, did you get a spanking last night?" I about choked on my own spit right then, but I basically had to come clean and basically explained to her that sometimes momma needs go be disciplined too, and she frankly has not really brought it up since then? I was mortified and still wouldn't bring it up again, but I will say that it didn't undermine me like I thought it would with her even years later.
But in the same vein, I feel like if my best friend in real life knew... she may think I'm crazy, lol. She is a Christian like me/us but I will say, that if I acted like she does with her husband with my husband Craig... well, I wouldn't be sitting down for a month, lol. I have wanted to tell her before, but I just can't bring myself to risk it knowing that her relationship dynamic is just so different.
Hey Maya,
DeleteOh my gosh, if others knew I am sure they would think I am being abused. We keep it a secret too.
And as you might know, my son knows. He hasn't said anything either.
Ohhhh it drives me crazy when someone who is a Christian does not act accordingly. I have thought, Gosh she needs a good spanking.
-Lisa
Hi Lisa, How do you feel that your son knows? Do you worry that he will feel.that women should be punished and not men? Does he even have a framework for this, not sure how old he is. Did you husband teach him to respect and never physically hurt women? It would be confusing. Do you want your kids to live this lifestyle?Aron wants this for ce his daughters into this lifestyle.Thank you for being so open ,most people in this lifestyle don't answer questions. Ps if this question is too personal I'm sorry and understand not answering it. I am also a mother to a son. Wondering
ReplyDeleteHey wondering,
DeleteWe have worked so hard to keep this from out children.
I do worry that son knows. I pray that what we taught him about never disrespecting or abusing anyone including women in part of his foundation. I think it will because he has a good head on his shoulders. I only want this lifestyle for my kiddos if they that is what they want. And I would not have a problem even if son found someone to take charge of him. Although, he is a natural leader (caring, decisive, wise and good listener). I do not see my daughters following in my footsteps. (when you know... you know)
that is so cool you are a mother of a son. Eeeeeeee being a boy mom is awesome.
Thank you for your question. I don't want to shy away from tough questions because those are usually the most important ones.
-Lisa
Came back to this to read additional comments to see if others had asked things that I, too, would like to know/curiosity, and you’re genuinely level headed in your perspective. Very cool gal, honestly. Brava. No notes.
Delete-Different Lives
Hey Different Lives,
DeleteI thought about that question. I would say I am pretty level headed in my perspectives about 93.8% of the time. I think things that have helped me get to that high percentage is the following. 1. Time in the Word. Lots of time reading the bible and trying to absorb it. 2. Getting my degree in Mechanical Engineering. That takes a lot of self control and not following emotions. 3. Having Children (don't even need to explain this if your a mom you know) 4. Being a teacher. You cant react irrationally to students you need a consistent even keel. and lastly 5. Hubby he not only guides me he sets a great example. He is soooo calm and quick thinking.
Now lets talk about that 6.2% it has taken a lot of work to get that percent very low. But when it does happen, oh my gosh that is when I am not very good and my emotions fly out of control like a run away train. Sometimes hubby has to talk me down from the cliff edge. It isn't pretty.
Thanks for the great question
I will ask hubby and see if he agrees if the numbers are accurate.
-Lisa
From Laya
ReplyDeleteWhat would you do in an emergency situation where medical professionals would observe bruises and markings? What would you say to the medical professionals? Has this ever happened?
Recently I had a medical emergency and drs were all up in my areas and I was saying to my husband.. oh my word what would I have said if I was spanked the day before… hahaha
oh my gosh I had an appointment with my ob/gyn and I had some bruises on my bottom. She look up at me and said you have some bruising on your bottom. I said, "Yes got a little crazy in the bedroom last night"
DeleteHi Lisa, I hope you are not in pain anymore. I'm trying to figure out how to ask this and don't want to sounds disrespectful. Just know I don't have the gift of language that you do. You are am amazing writer. Anyway if I am to understand correctly once a punishment is delivered its over you are forgiven? So why does he make you sit on seat warmers? Aren't you forgiven? Why more pain? Why does he say good when you say you are in pain? I know the "vanilla" or "normal" community foc us on this. But the stronger person, the man does not get hurt physically. The weaker party is hurt. I understand true leadership. Maybe I don't. But I saw your husbands consequences he worried a d doubted his leadership. Why couldn't she tell me, am I leading right? Which is true leadership. When I make decisions at work thstimpact people it weighs on me. Women can be leaders. That is his consequence. Just this lifestyle although went To Catholic Schoolmy whole life is so foreign to me. Doesn't mean it is wrong just different. And I try to understand difference, hear all sides and see positives and negatives in all. Wondering
DeleteHey Wondering,
DeleteNo pain here right now. BTW pain is not a bad thing. It protects us. We learn from pain better than anything else. I remember parents saying be careful that's hot. Guess when I learned. A lesson to last a lifetime.
Also discipline comes in lots of flavors. I get Maintenance and Punishments. Punishments are to deal with things as soon as possible. When I typed into Google what are punishments for it answered, "Punishments are are to deter future wrongdoing, protect public safety, rehabilitate the offender, and uphold fair social norms"
Well maintenance spankings are for a reminder to stay on the straight and narrow. They don't hurt like most spankings but a little uncomfortable. Also helps keep me grounded mentally. I would say "Seat Warmers" are not punishment but maintenance.
Lastly this works for me. I know several relationships that the woman leads. That works for them. The guy in that relationship needs a strong woman to take charge. We have to find where we fit in the relationship and if someone else does better at something then let them run with it.
Thank you for the question. As always I love when you type deep questions. So many people just say, "Good Job" and that doesn't spark real conversations.
-Lisa
Lisa, Don't know if I expressed myself. Emotional pain teaches me a lesson don't know what physical pain would add. I understand resets as once i asked my partner to squeeze me as hard as I could for deep muscle stimulation. He was worried he'd hurt me. But it worked ha ha. Yes good crying resets me.
DeleteHi Anonymous, (if you could use a nickname so I know who I am responding to)
DeleteYes for me it is a combination of physical and emotional pain. I get it. And everybody is different.
-Lisa
Hi Lisa, I was interested in your answer. I said Lisa is going to think differently and cause me to reevaluate. I understand. I was never spanked and do not find pain motivating. It is a line in the Sand for me. We are not physically violent with each other in our marriage. I would find that so disrespectful to me. However working with couples is complex. There are always different rules and boundaries. You seem happy so it works for you. Blessings wondering
ReplyDeleteHey Wondering,
DeleteThat is a good thing to have a line in the sand. I think more people should have that line in the sand for no physically violence with each other. I have seen women punch their men in the arms when they are frustrated. I think the key is not to be frustrated. And btw I could chose not to get over his lap. That is always a choice of mine.
-Lisa
Hi Lisa, I also advocate for not hurting men. I see women slap men's faces and wonder why are you bringing violence into your relationship. Which is both of you and not expecting this to affect the relationship? Just more respect to both the male And female partner. Wondering
DeleteHi Lisa, I wonder if your husband looked into the long term effects on a body before he started spanking you? I just read other sites and see non medical professionals saying its ok to spank when pregnant. There is a stress hormone cortisol that is released and it could change your child's personality. They will absorb the hormone and could be more anxious and fearful. There are so many scientific ramifications for the body. A dental professional spokeabout the dangers of ingesting soap. Even Ivory. I just wonder if husbands think about these things. Thank you for not staying away from difficult questions. I am trying to be open minded and think your site has changed how I think about this. The men aren't horrible and the women aren't helpless and abused. Wondering
ReplyDeleteHey Wondering,
DeleteNo we have never looked into the long term effects of spanking on the body. We try to use common sense. We didn't spank during any of the pregnancy. When I got sick with cancer we stopped for 2 years. We always error on the side of caution. I have gotten soap down a couple of times.
But never ingesting it. Information is power. And that is why this blog is here.
-Lisa
Lisa, I know this is an older post but I pray we are still about to Ask You Anything. I don't know if you remember getting some comments from my dear friend Sage, who was a newlywed and a young bride in a DD marriage. Things have not been going well in her life at the moment. She is still married and expecting their first child, but she has pulled away from the church and I know has been dissatisfied with things in her marriage the last couple months. Her husband is embarrassed to be showing up at church by himself on Sundays, and she has not been to women's group in about six weeks. I went by her house and she seemed ill and drawn. She refused my offer of help around the house, a double date night with me and my husband, and even refused to pray with me. I gently told her that if DD isn't working for her, that it can stop. She snapped at me that I don't know what I'm talking about. I do hope you will join me in lifting her in prayer and that she will find comfort in leaning on God and her friends, and that whatever troubles her will be washed away.
ReplyDeleteDarcy, this is Linda and I will pray for her. I liked reading her posts, because she had a very realistic look at things and described when things in her marriage weren’t going well for her. Sage questioned things, and I think that’s very healthy. I’m sorry to hear she’s having such a difficult time, especially during this joyous time of expecting her first child. I think what you said to her that DD Can stop was very important, even though she didn’t seem to believe you. I guess that depends on what her husband is saying to her. I hope that she can find her way out of this with the help of the Lord.
DeleteDarcy,
DeleteGosh first thank you for being someone she can trust to talk to. Thank you for caring enough about Sage to reach out to her and to let us know she may be struggling. Yes, I absolutely remember Sage, and I am so sorry to hear that things do not seem to be going well for her right now.
I don't know what is happening in her marriage, her pregnancy, her faith, or her heart, and I don't want to make assumptions. Sometimes when someone is hurting, they pull away from the very people who love them most. And sometimes the best thing we can do is simply let them know that we are still there, without pressure or judgment, whenever they are ready. I pray that their church reaches out without judgment. And I pray it is not postpartum depression.
I do agree with you on one important point: DD should never make someone feel trapped. If it is no longer healthy, wanted, or working for a couple, they can step back from it. But right now, Sage may have other struggles going on that none of us can see.
I will absolutely join you in praying for her.
Heavenly Father,
We lift Sage up to You today. You know exactly what is happening in her life, even when those who love her can only see that she is hurting. You know her heart, her fears, her marriage, her pregnancy, her health, and every burden she may be carrying silently.
Please surround her with Your love and protection. Give her strength where she feels weak, peace where she feels afraid or overwhelmed, and wisdom for whatever decisions lie ahead. If she is struggling, please remind her that she does not have to face those struggles alone.
We pray for her marriage as well. Bring healing where there is hurt, understanding where there is confusion, and honest communication where there may be silence. Help both Sage and her husband to treat one another with love, patience, kindness, and respect.
Please also place caring people around Sage who will continue to love her without judgment or pressure. And when she is ready, give her the courage to reach out and accept the support that is being offered.
Most of all, Lord, draw her close to You. Even if she feels distant, remind her that You have not moved away from her. Hold her tightly through this difficult season and guide her toward healing, peace, and hope.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Thank you again for bringing this to our attention. I hope you will let Sage know that she is still remembered, still cared about, and that she does not have to explain everything before she can be loved and supported. Sometimes simply knowing that the door is still open can mean more than we realize.
And Sage, if you happen to read this, please know that you do not have to have all the answers right now. Whatever you are facing, you are not alone.
-Lisa
Hi Lisa, I will pray for Sage. If I remember correctly she is 19, found religion and was going to Nursing school. Her husband was older. She seemed very mature and wise. She made a decision to quit school or work and focus on her child. I do not know if she had the freedom to make that choice or if it was made for her. She would be more isolated. She is pregnant and has alot of hormones. Is her husband supportive? Is he a guy who reads arons and thinks more of correcting before connecting. Foster parents are not allowed to spank amd told you have to connect before you correct. Wise. I don't know what she is feeling but I hope she has supportive and non judgemental friends. If she doesn't want to go to church its ok. She is figuring things out. God still loves her. She is still a child of God. If she does not permit her husband to physically correct her, that is her right. Sorry Spank Your wife men. She should not be shamed. If her hysband won't stop he should be jailed. A husband's body belongs to a wife but no one talks about hurting men. Which you shouldn't do. Sage I am a licensed therapist if you need to speak to someone.You have dignity and worth. Women are equal to men in God's eyes in dignity and worth. Wondering
DeleteThank you for posting Lisa. Women should be supportive of women. Sometimes we don't understand their choices but judging isolates them. Wondering
DeleteHello everyone! Darcy told me about her comment here and asked that I come read the words of support. I want to assure everyone that I am OK. Things aren't wonderful, but they aren't bleak either. My pregnancy is very rough. My morning sickness didn't get better in my second trimester like everyone said it would. My doctor thought hyperemesis gravidarium ( I have no idea if I spelled that right) maybe, but I don't meet all the requirments for it, so it's just lingering very bad morning sickness it seems. My husband has tried to be supportive but I think he doesn't understand because other pregnant women in his life haven't had this problem. Him and my parents are starting to not get along and I am feeling trapped in the middle.I did finish my school program and am proud to have gotten my associates degree in early childhood development.
DeleteI have been absent from church, mostly for reasons of not feeling well, but also once because I was angry at my husband because he was acting indifferent toward my sickness. I spent nearly every moment I wasn't in church deep in prayer hoping for a sign from God about how to be a better wife and to beg for a release from feeling so poorly.
Seth and I finally had a heart to heart talk after Darcy's most recent visit and I believe we are back on track to a healthy and Godly marriage. Our child is due on Christmas day, so I am halfway through my pregnancy and we look forward to meeting this new person and raising him or her in God's glory.
Lisa, What is the difference between DD and master/slave? I didn't think that man's punishment was harder then some you describe. . I also see women refer to their husbands as daddy or being a bad little girl, instead of a grown woman. This stresses a power dynamic. Sometimes from the vanilla world its hard to see the difference. Wondering
ReplyDeleteIs this Slaveem? Yes I understand there are those dynamics. I don't call hubby daddy or master. And it was just something I do not experience or find appealing. And I understand what you got was maintenance. I just did not know what to say.
Delete-Lisa
No sorry it was wondering. Just trying to understand. I wasn't trying to mock you. Just trying to be a better therapist as I have some power dynamic couples.
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa, If a man was disrespecting you, would your husband stick up for you?
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous (please put a nickname so I know who to answer to)
DeleteHe not only would. He has defended me so many times. Once a church when a woman was talking about my character. Hubby was so driven and upset at what was said, he went to the husband and they had a talk. The woman apologized to me. But countless times he has defended me. Couple of times I told him where I thought I was wronged and he corrected..... me! And then explained what I did and I had to apologize.