The Emotional Vulnerability of Being Disciplined
The Emotional Vulnerability of Being Disciplined
When people hear about our marriage, they often focus on the discipline itself. They wonder about the rules, the consequences, or the practical side of our relationship. What they rarely think about is the emotional vulnerability that comes with it.
For me, that vulnerability has changed tremendously over the last twenty-two years.
When we were first married, discipline left me feeling exposed in a way I wasn't prepared for. I was embarrassed, emotional, and often unsure of myself. I worried about disappointing my husband, and afterward I would sometimes sit quietly trying to process everything I was feeling. It wasn't the physical part that affected me most—it was allowing someone I loved so deeply to see my weaknesses so clearly.
Back then, I would often replay the entire situation in my mind, wondering if I had failed him or failed myself. I had a hard time separating correction from condemnation.
Time has changed that.
After twenty-two years together, I understand that discipline in our marriage is not about humiliation. It's about accountability, restoration, and growing together. My vulnerability is still there, but now it feels safe. I know his intentions. I know his heart. I know that every difficult conversation and every correction comes from a place of wanting the best for our marriage.
That knowledge makes all the difference.
Even now, though, being disciplined can leave me emotionally tender. My defenses are down, my emotions are close to the surface, and I need a little time before stepping back into the world.
One thing we've learned is not to rush that process.
Instead, I take a few quiet moments to breathe deeply and let my mind settle. I reflect on what happened instead of immediately pushing it away. I think about what I can learn and how I can do better next time.
Most importantly, I turn to Scripture.
There are two verses I come back to again and again.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." — Jeremiah 29:11
And:
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." — Joshua 1:9
Reading those verses reminds me that God's love is constant and His grace is sufficient. They help quiet the anxious thoughts that sometimes creep in when I'm feeling emotionally exposed.
Sometimes our discipline time is followed by something as ordinary as going to Bible study. That transition might seem strange to some people, but for me it's important to arrive with my heart settled. I don't want lingering emotions to distract me from worship or fellowship.
So before we leave, I breathe. I reflect. I read God's Word. I allow myself to feel what I need to feel and then gently gather myself back together.
By the time we arrive at my friends house, where we have bible study, I'm no longer dwelling on my vulnerability. Instead, I'm reminded that growth often requires humility, and humility isn't weakness—it's strength.
Looking back over twenty-two years of marriage, I've realized that vulnerability has become one of the greatest gifts our relationship has given me. It has taught me to trust more deeply, communicate more honestly, and rely more fully on God's grace.
I am still vulnerable.
I suspect I always will be.
But today that vulnerability no longer scares me. It has become another way that love, accountability, forgiveness, and faith continue shaping me into the woman I want to be.
Blessings Lisa. Since I have only been married less than a year I am still in this place that you were describing. Sometimes when I am disciplines I am not feeling such a sense of release but am feeling some leftover guilt for my transgressions. Turning to scripture is definitely what helps me. While I am being spanked and then receiving some instruction or lecture from my husband I have that squishy sort of guilt and vulnerable feeling inside me. But once the punishment portion is over and we turn to prayer, that's when I feel much better.
ReplyDeleteSage, I so understand. I pray that you get to a point I am now. I am at peace and actually feel so satisfied after a discipline situation.
DeleteHi Lisa, thank you for this important essay. I feel so strongly about my husband’s leadership. I respect him immensely, and I usually apologize, acknowledge his authority, and submit respectfully when he corrects me (verbally and/or with a spanking). However, sometimes (maybe 10% of the time) when he corrects me verbally, my pride swells up and I justify/argue/sass him rather than accepting the correction. I absolutely hate that, and I always recognize it and feel so sorry afterwards (usually a day or two later it dawns on me that I was wrong and should have handled the situation differently). I’m trying to learn how to recognize that urge when it occurs and quickly override it. Have you ever had this problem? The other night we were at a restaurant and I clumsily knocked a drink over. He helped me clean it up, but made a very mild comment that was corrective - something like that I needed to pay more attention to what I was doing. I apologized for the spill, but then sat embarrassed and mad at him for correcting me, and found myself making snide comments about how he didn’t need to make me feel bad since it was clearly an accident. Why can’t I just accept the correction in the moment? I’ll continue to work on this, but if anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate the help! Thank you, Daisy
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteHi Daisy,
DeleteThank you so much for sharing this. I smiled because I think you described something many of us have experienced but don't always have the courage to admit.
Yes...I have absolutely had this problem.
For me, it's usually not the correction itself. It's the embarrassment that comes with it. In the moment, my pride wants to protect me. My first instinct can be to explain, justify, or convince my husband that he misunderstood my intentions. Looking back later, I usually realize he wasn't attacking me—he was simply trying to help me or point out something I could do better.
I think our pride is a powerful thing. It wants the last word. It wants to be understood. It wants to avoid feeling vulnerable. The older I've gotten and the longer we've been married, the more I've learned to recognize that feeling sooner. I'm certainly not perfect, but I've gotten better at pausing before I speak.
Lisa
Hi Daisy and Lisa. A week ago I found myself in a similar situation. I spilled a glass of wine and was verbally corrected. I said something I shouldn’t have but he let it go. I spilled the second glass also. I said, “don’t you dare say anything.” Although I believe it was a nervous reaction, he thought I did it intentionally, not to mention my sass remark, and took me to the car to deal with me (and again more properly when we got home.) Perhaps subconsciously I did do it on purpose. I guess a number of more spankings are in order until I learn to better pause before I speak.
DeleteIf I’m sitting, I occasionally sit on my hands to remind myself to pause before speaking. If I’m standing, I sometimes cross my fingers. Regardless, at times my mouth gets the better of me. Then I get it!!
Thank you for listening.
Hi Professional Woman,
DeleteThank you for sharing that. I know it isn't always easy to admit those moments, especially when we realize afterward that our mouths got ahead of our thinking.
At least you recognized there were really two separate issues. The spilled wine was an accident. Accidents happen to all of us. But telling him, "don't you dare say anything," crossed into something different. I think it's insightful that you were able to separate the accident from your response to it.
I smiled at your comment about sitting on your hands or crossing your fingers. It sounds simple, but sometimes little physical reminders like that really do give us just enough time to think before we speak. I know I've had moments where, if I could have paused for just two seconds, I would have chosen completely different words.
I also appreciate that you mentioned your husband addressed it privately by taking you to the car and then followed up more thoroughly at home. Maintaining your dignity in public while still addressing the issue says a lot about his leadership.
Don't be too discouraged. Learning to pause before speaking is one of those lessons many of us work on for years. I certainly still have days when my mouth moves faster than my brain! The important thing is recognizing the pattern, accepting correction, and continuing to grow.
Thank you again for being so open. I have a feeling many wives reading your comment will quietly think, "I've done that too."
Hugs,
Lisa