Learning Respect

 Learning Respect

If you had known me twenty years ago, “respectful” probably would not have been the first word you used to describe me. I was emotional, stubborn, defensive, and honestly pretty self-centered at times. I interrupted, complained, rolled my eyes, and always felt the need to prove my point. I thought being loud meant being strong. I thought fighting for the last word meant winning.

Maturity changed some of that naturally. Life has a way of sanding down your rough edges. As I grew older, I started realizing that respect is not weakness. It is strength under control. It is choosing peace over pride. It is understanding that not every disagreement has to become a battle.

But maturity is only part of the reason I became respectful.

A huge part of it came from my husband’s guidance over the years. He did not simply expect respect from me without teaching me what it meant. Sometimes that guidance came through long talks and lectures that honestly stayed with me for years afterward.

I remember one lecture in particular where he explained to me that his leadership was only possible if I chose to follow. That really struck me. A husband cannot truly lead if his wife is constantly resisting, undermining, or fighting him at every turn. Leadership and followership work together. It is a partnership. I had never really looked at it that way before.

Another lesson he impressed upon me was the importance of setting an example for our children. That one hit even harder after we became parents. Children are always watching. They notice how a wife speaks to her husband. They notice tone, attitude, patience, kindness, and cooperation. I realized I was shaping their future understanding of marriage every single day by the way I treated their father.

His guidance also came in the form of discipline.

Sometimes that discipline was something simple like a time out, where I was sent away to calm down and think specifically about the respect issue at hand. Those quiet moments alone forced me to reflect on my attitude instead of just reacting emotionally.

Other times discipline meant writing. I cannot count how many paragraphs I have written on respect over the years, often alongside Bible verses about love, gentleness, self-control, and submission. Writing slows my thoughts down. It forces honesty. It makes me examine my own heart instead of justifying myself.

And yes, discipline has also included being taken over his knee.

Those moments are humbling in a way that is difficult to explain to someone outside this lifestyle. They strip away pride and defensiveness very quickly. Underneath all the emotions, though, I have always known the purpose was correction, guidance, and reconnection—not humiliation for humiliation’s sake. Afterwards, we usually talked honestly and openly, and I often came away understanding myself better.

Motherhood changed my understanding of respect too.

Before children, life revolved mostly around me and my feelings. After children, suddenly I was responsible for so much more. Tiny people depended on me. Our home depended on me. The emotional atmosphere of the family depended heavily on my attitude. I began realizing that constant complaining, disrespect, and negativity poison a home faster than almost anything else.

One of the biggest turning points for us came when my husband and I attended a Love and Respect class together. We spent a week immersed in lessons about communication, needs, marriage roles, and understanding each other. There were so many moments where I felt convicted listening to those lessons. I began to understand how deeply men need respect in the same way women need love.

It changed the way I spoke to him. It changed the way I disagreed with him. It changed the way I encouraged him.

But I think the deepest change happened when I began thinking seriously about my legacy.

What kind of woman would I someday be remembered as?

Would I be remembered as the wife who constantly complained? The woman who criticized her husband, rolled her eyes at him, and made life harder for everyone around her?

Or would I be remembered as the woman who stood beside her husband and helped him thrive?

That question changed me.

I wanted to become the kind of wife who strengthened her husband instead of draining him. I wanted to become someone my children would admire and hopefully imitate someday in their own marriages.

Since then, our marriage truly has thrived.

My husband has grown tremendously over the years, and I honestly believe part of that growth came because he knew I was fully on his side. We tackle problems together now instead of against each other. He knows I am his advocate, his supporter, and his sidekick. He knows that even when we disagree, I am still for him.

Respect did not happen overnight for me. It came through maturity, guidance, correction, motherhood, faith, learning, and a lot of self-reflection.

But looking back now, I can honestly say becoming respectful changed not only my marriage, but who I am as a woman.