Gosh I wish…
Gosh I wish…
There are days when I wish domestic discipline wasn’t treated like some shameful secret that has to stay hidden behind locked doors and anonymous usernames. I know a lot of people would never understand the way my husband and I live. To many people, the very idea sounds outdated, controlling, or even absurd. I understand that reaction because before I truly embraced this life myself, I probably would have misunderstood it too.
But I also believe there are far more couples living some version of this dynamic than anyone realizes.
Most of us just stay quiet.
We hide behind screen names and private forums. We tell edited versions of our marriages to coworkers and friends. We smile politely at church functions, school events, and neighborhood gatherings while carrying this huge part of our emotional life completely alone. Sometimes I wonder how many women I pass in the grocery store or sit beside at teacher meetings are quietly living something similar.
I would love to know.
Not in a sensationalized way. Not in a gossiping way. I mean genuinely talking woman to woman, honestly and openly, without fear. I would love to sit in a living room with coffee and talk about the emotional side of discipline in marriage. The vulnerability. The comfort. The embarrassment. The relief. The arguments. The trust it requires. The complicated feelings afterward. I would love to talk to real women instead of anonymous profiles online that disappear after a few messages because everyone is terrified of being exposed.
And I understand that fear completely because I live with it too.
As a high school teacher, if people at work discovered the details of my marriage, I honestly believe my career could be destroyed. It would not matter that I am a competent teacher. It would not matter that my students are safe, cared for, and educated well. People would hear one word — spanking — and suddenly years of professionalism could vanish under judgment and assumptions. In today’s world, nuance disappears quickly. Private choices inside a consensual marriage become labels that follow you forever.
That fear keeps many of us isolated.
So instead of healthy conversations, we retreat online where everyone hides behind pseudonyms and carefully worded stories. In some ways those communities are comforting because at least you realize you are not alone. But it also feels sad sometimes. We speak openly while simultaneously hiding our real names, our faces, our locations, and our lives. There is always that invisible wall between people because the risk of being “outed” is simply too high.
I also wonder sometimes what men would say to each other if they could safely discuss these relationships openly.
Would husbands talk about the responsibility they feel? Would they discuss the emotional weight of being the disciplinarian in a marriage? Would they admit that it is often emotionally difficult for them too? Would they compare how they handle rules, accountability, and reconciliation afterward? Or would they mostly stay quiet because men are just as afraid of judgment as women are?
I honestly do not know.
What I do know is that shame grows best in silence.
And sometimes I get tired of silence.
I wish there were communities where couples like us could simply exist without whispers and secrecy. A place where nobody immediately assumed abuse, weakness, stupidity, or dysfunction. A place where I would not feel like I had to split myself into two versions — the respected teacher everyone sees publicly and the submissive wife who exists privately at home.
Because both are me.
I do not feel ashamed of loving my husband deeply. I do not feel ashamed of the structure we have built in our marriage. I do not feel ashamed that discipline, accountability, and even spanking have brought peace and closeness into our relationship in ways I never expected.
What I feel ashamed of sometimes is having to pretend none of it exists.
Maybe that is why writing anonymously has become therapeutic for me. It is one of the few places where I can stop pretending for a little while. Even if my name is hidden, at least my thoughts are real. And maybe somewhere another woman is reading this feeling less alone herself.
If that is true, then maybe we are already building that hidden community one honest confession at a time.
Beautifully written Lisa and so so true!! I too wish I could just sit down (when I can, lol) with the girls to discuss, especially the emotional aspects of it all, and even try to help one another. That should be considered “normal.”
ReplyDeleteI know my mother and some of her coffee / card game friends would chat over their naughty children and how they had to spank them. But never heard one of them say… oh, I rolled my eyes at Sir Charles last night and he took me over his knee and spanked me. I know I deserved it and definitely a lesson well learned in respect. But I felt that …
Spanking your wife was probably done since the beginning of time. I surely believe Eve deserved it from Adam. Hopefully she got it as we are all paying the price.
Lisa and all have a blessed Sunday.
Oh my gosh yes.... support groups would actually help the marriage. Oh yes I remember my mother talking to other women about my sister who was always in trouble.
DeleteI still wonder to this day if my dad spanked my mom. I guess I will never know. Daddy is gone and mom has slight dementia. I tried to get mom to talk about it and she got mad with me.
I know my sister desires to have a relationship like this, but is married to a vanilla. Breaks my heart because she wont know what it is like to be in a DD relationship and she is very faithful.
As a single man who never been married and knows the struggle of dating, there is something beautiful about the structure of CDD and DD.
ReplyDeleteBTW... the hardest job is the one of HOH.... it is such hard work if done correctly.
DeleteLisa, I know you know this, you and hubby are very fortunate to have found one another. … Yes, I believe too that being an exceptional HOH is a hard job! He could probably teach other good men. And you having a woman’s only support group.
DeleteCDD and DD there is something beautiful about it. As a single man who never been married and knows the struggle of dating .
ReplyDeleteIf only it wasn’t such a taboo subject. To test the waters on dating. I know I have said, I probably deserve to be spanked for that, to see the reaction. Even know a couple of men who have said you should be spanked for that… .. sometimes I snapped back like don’t you dare or I’ll punch you one .. don’t ask me why as I don’t know because I know I deserve and need it in a loving relationship. Well, perhaps I’m brain washed too as it’s taboo, you’re not suppose to want this … very frustrating!!!
DeleteLisa, another woman is definitely reading your work and feeling less alone herself! I am one of those women. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI cannot tell you how much your comment means to me. Truly. Sometimes when I write these posts, I wonder if I am just sending my thoughts out into the void and hoping someone understands them the way I mean them. Hearing that another woman read my words and felt less alone makes all the vulnerability worth it.
I think that is exactly why so many of us keep writing anonymously despite the risks and fears. We are searching for connection. We are searching for reassurance that we are not strange, broken, weak, or isolated in wanting this kind of dynamic in our marriages.
For me, one of the hardest parts is not even the discipline itself. It is the secrecy surrounding it. Carrying such a meaningful part of my emotional and marital life privately can feel very lonely at times. So when another woman says, “I understand,” it immediately softens some of that loneliness.
Your comment also reminds me that there are probably many more women quietly reading than we realize. Some may never comment. Some may still be wrestling with shame or confusion. Some may be terrified anyone will discover their interest in domestic discipline at all. I remember being there too.
That is why kindness and honesty matter so much in spaces like this.
Thank you for taking the time to respond and for reminding me that these conversations matter. You made me feel less alone too.
Hi it’s Linda- I wrote this before but I just think it is because women have been “beaten” for centuries. Not in consensual DD relationships. I believe I remember that Professional women write on this forum once it must be consensual or it must stop. On many CDD sites, it is said over and over that women cannot revoke consent. Remember the story I told of my father and his friend telling me how women were abused in the 50s and 60s ? How their mothers were abused? How women outside North America and Europe are still treated with not a single stitch of autonomy and abuses too horrible to write?
ReplyDeleteI just don’t think it would be easy for someone to believe you agreed to this. It took me a long time to believe it, and sometimes I still don’t. They would fear for you more than anything.
Lisa your blog opened my eyes that this “could” be something a woman could embrace. But also when found a site with 2 million followers where the wife spanks the husband and all the men on her site who want their wives to spank them, I thought, these men’s comments don’t show fear, just excitement. I thought, huh, I don’t get this at all. 🧐😊
Lisa your blog is so different and interesting. I have read that, over time, people in DD relationships do sometimes meet each other. Maybe this can happen to you .
I still say, as long as you can say no if you ever need to, then live your lives how you wish!
That is a thoughtful and articulate article, Lisa. On some level, I can identify, but my feelings are at least mixed.
ReplyDeleteThe core aspect of disciplinary spanking for me has always been that it is a shameful experience for shameful behavior and, as such, a secret held on to as closely as possible. It naturally follows that it is not openly discussed except when it can be shared anonymously, and with someone who completely understands the subject. It is not so much that it is a kinky thing, or a power thing for which some segment of society disapproves, but that the consequence of being punished like this is what causes such difficult conversations. From a male perspective, does a husband really want to share the shame of his wife with his friends? If the shoe is on the other foot, does he want to share his deepest humility?
Ironically, it is the intensely intimate and private nature of what happens behind closed doors that creates the desire to talk about it. If spanking in a marriage or as a child was largely accepted, and everyone did it openly, would I still find it to be such an interesting subject? Was there ever a time in history where everyone was comfortable talking about their corporal punishments in great detail?
--Ross
Ross I do wish the consensual spanking of adults was more accepted and not seen as weird.
DeleteAmen!!
DeleteLisa, you want to be able to be much more open about your discipline, and it's a shame you have to hide it. We all have our unique connections to spanking.
DeleteI agree that it should be accepted and not seen as weird, as unlikely as that may be. When I think back years ago, that is how spanking of children was viewed by most of society - not weird, just the way things worked. If it was the same for consenting adults who use spanking today, then there would be no stigma in having a Domestic Discipline relationship. However, same as growing up was, I would not be discussing something so private with my friends.
It is so unfair and bad for society that a wonderful and dedicated teacher might be lost to the profession because of such prejudice. What most people don't seem to understand is that a person can be an excellent, respected and trusted professional, and also have personal needs that take them far from that role, but do not interfere in any way with their work. If anything, a person who wants to be held accountable for their failures, and has the humility to recognize the need, is who I would want as a teacher.
—Ross
Thanks Ross. To be honest, its okay that I can't talk to others in real life. If that is the worse that happens, then I am okay with that. It is neat to be able to talk to y'all about this subject on here.
DeleteTbh, Notsotrad here, if i had a daughter, i would be sceptical if i knew the teacher she has is in this lifestyle. I, as a feminist and yes Lisa I'm a little bit of a spankaholic for pure fun. I would be scared that she would give my daughter less time and effort and a lot of brainwashing to be a good meek little girl, to follow her pure intention and purpose, her vocation. How i hate that word. Lisa, why don't you just accept you have a fetish? I mean calling your husband, not wrong btw, Daddy? Thats kinky dear, and it's okay to be kinky. Now you feel guilty as a Christian and call it from God, yet the bible also says to sell your daughter for fifty pieces of gold/silver if she's raped to the rapist and he should marry her. I think, as a Christian we shouldn't take everything so literally. Enjoy your lifestyle, you obviously have a need for it because it makes you excited, but to call it religion is wrong in my eyes. I'm also married, for 25 years, i don't rule, my husband doesn't rule either, we ruled together, my kids aren't babies anymore. Son's should stand up for their sister's and mother's, mother's should teach them to respect and cherish their wives. A father shouldn't turn a blind eye when his son in law is unfair to his daughter and use the excuse that it's a hoh, none of his business, just because it's how they live, it's unsafe and cultish and that's my problem with it. You said you don't believe in spanking of children, i might have read wrong, anyway how then do you justify pushing a daughter into this before she truly understands, we fall in love and allow a lot the first years, but getting married is seen as consent in your life, so she should never be allowed to say: Enough! Oh and those who would say, he can't opt out off paying bills, well he didn't give her an option did he? Especially those who don't really give girls a choice to build a career. Well she wants equality, go work on a oil rig, well mister, get of your chair on wheels and close your pc and you go do it. Stop taking credit for other men's work, i don't go around taking credit for females who exelled, it's them, not me. You obviously want this, but do you at least condone those who force their daughter's into this? You were allowed to have a career, do you not feel other girls at least deserve the right to choose?
ReplyDeleteHi notstrad it’s Linda. It’s just my personal opinion and no one else , that you’re being kind of hard on Lisa. She seems to have a successful teaching career and has many people reporting to her at work and I don’t think she would ever discourage a female student from pursuing a career that she wants to pursue. I also (just my opinion again) think Lisa meant that if her colleagues or superiors knew this was her lifestyle that she could be in trouble. No student, who are minors, and even college students should have any knowledge whatsoever of the intimate workings of their teacher or professor. That should be a hard boundary.
DeleteLisa has given this lifestyle more credence because she’s mentioned she has to safe word and I do believe she’s mentioned she can set boundaries and not accept any and every type of punishment that the husband wants to give. To me that seems way better than what can be described on other sites that I have read. And Lisa allows others to express their opinions freely on this page. Good day!
Respectfully, do you even read the blog? Are you anywhere near Christian? You've missed the entire point of the blog. It's a blog about her life, and how she has lived it, and found fulfillment in it.
DeleteDiscipline comes in many forms, and one of those are spankings, you just can't accept it, because you're probably not Christian at the core, as in the bible, there's NOWHERE that says that physical punishment is bad, there are even some laws that command it, in certain circumstances.
Even in olden times where wife spanking was more common, do you think women weren't rebellious? Or had opinions? That's just feminist propaganda. Sure, they might've had less political power, but the average man didn't either? I don't understand what you're even angry about and venting so hard about? In the western world, a woman doesn't just rely on her father for protection, the government sides with women all the time, and gives plenty of aid, if a woman chose a man, and he's a bad one, she can leave him, it's correct to say that in other normal conflicts a father shouldn't intervene, since his daughter would be a grown woman who should be able to handle herself and her choices.
Honestly, I'm just replying to this, to also open others people's eyes. A wife in a Christian marriage is supposed to be one body with her husband, and to also submit to his headship, so no, you both don't rule, he rules over you.
And yes, he does love you as well, and will cherish you as he does his own body, and die for you as Jesus died for the church if it ever comes to.
I'm the anon who wrote the longer reply, but I'd love to add, that yes, what probably has you so angry is your own rebellion to your husband, and you can't understand how other women crave such headship, if you've been reading this blog for so long, it's because you deep down desire it too. And when I speak about submission, just not in the sense of spankings, but rather, everyday life.
DeleteOkay.... my goal was not to have people hate on each other. Everybody has opinions. And not everybody has to like my blog.
DeleteAbout my teaching....
1. I have been a teacher for 14 years.
2. I have been nominated for teacher of the year for twice. (never won)
3. In my 14 years I have been a ton of scholarships for students but my proudest are the full ride scholarships I have gotten for 5 of my underprivileged students.
4. I teach my kids problem solving skills which helps during competitions and we have won state 4 times and regionals more times than I can mention.
5. I have a really good working relationship with my student's parents. I always start each year with and email to parents, "What are some things you would want me to know about your child before the year starts?" Who better to tell me about the student than a parent.
I feel very proud of my time teaching. It is better than my time as an Engineer which is has sometimes ethical dealings.
Final thought: When I am in charge of 140 students and department lead of 5 other teachers. It is nice to come home and give up all the control and let someone who has built my trust to take charge. I need this lifestyle. I choose this lifestyle.
-Lisa
Amen my friend...you hit the nail on the head....this from the male/spanker perspective.
ReplyDeleteNotsotrad here, I'm glad for you and i believe you are a great teacher, how many are girls that got scholarships? You haven't answered my question, do you at least condone pushing girls into this lifestyle? Will you allow your daughter to choose a career? I'm not against choosing this, im against not having a right to choose btw.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
Deletehi Lisa it’s Linda. Just to clarify, do you mean you “condemn” forcing people into this lifestyle? You said condone. It was probably just the wrong word.
DeleteOh my gosh Linda, Yes I did mean condemn. I will delete it and make the change.
DeleteGreat questions Notsotrad,
Delete1. How many were girls? 1 of the full rides was for a girl. She was amazing. Designed my Rocket Launcher, Got a 1000, out of a 1000 on her Certification for AutoCAD and Inventor and Graduated as a Sophomore. I have worked really hard at getting girls into Engineering. When I first got here there were 2 students out of 110. Now there are about 25 to 30%. I wont stop trying until its 50 / 50.
2. I am absolutely against pushing anyone (not just girls) into this lifestyle. There is a reason I get spanked on Fridays. We have the kids out of the house on Friday evenings. They have no idea that we engage in this behavior. I do call him sir, but to be honest, hubby will say, "Yes Ma'am" to me. Mutual respect is what we teach.
3. Allow daughter to choose a career? Of course, All three of my kids this year got straight A's. Son in college and girls are in high school. Son is becoming Mechanical Engineer. I think my oldest girl wants to be biomedical engineer and youngest wants to get into sports medicine. I am an engineer because my daddy was.
Thank you for responding Nosotrad. I do like genuine conversation here and you help provide it. I think of what hubby said, "We don't become better sailors by calm seas!" Comments like yours is real stuff. Not comments that just say, "Well written!"
Respectfully,
Lisa
Thanks, Notsotrad again, that's all i wanted to know, for now, until i remember or read something anyway. Like i said, not against it, just the idea that children are forced into it and clearly you are not doing that. AutoCAD is a great career, my eldest and i believe my youngest will also take that path. Both boys. Well the oldest is a young man now. May i ask, are you allowed to say: Honey, I'm just not into it today, can i have a raincheck? That's on Friday's? Can you say: I wasn't wrong, so i do not consent to a spanking today and we should sit and discuss it? Say for instance he makes a big purchase without consulting you, i presume you have all your earnings in one pot, are you allowed to voice your unhappynes and will he apologise? Or is it a " I'm the boss and although you dont agree i have final say, you accept it or i will spank you?
ReplyDeleteYes I can refuse a punishment. We have 2 safe words. 1 means can we take a break and talk about it. The other means stop. For his accountability I have that written on my blog.
DeleteHi, you said i can ask, Notsotrad here, i read your disrespect in church in 2006, so you say your husband doesn't hit out of anger, that was anger. Did you step over your boundaries? Sure you did. Maybe because i am not into punitive spankings i vomitted a little bit in my mouth. If you discussed it like grown ups would you do it again? No, i don't think so. Did his military friends and superiors know? I googled it and CDD is not acceptable according to Google in the military, you can't consent to bodily harm. It's really really hard for me to understand, you got hit by your father, so did i and it wasn't consensual, but as a minor you can't really consent, so thats it, but i don't believe for one moment that this is what you dreamed of as a young girl growing up. I read a book once of a girl being spanked by her brother in this lifestyle, do your boys spank their sister's? Ugh thats gross
ReplyDeleteHey I do not want you to vomit. I would recommend not reading my blog. Have a great day.
DeleteLisa, as I think you have realized, it's not worth it to engage with this person at all, they're not necessarily in good faith, as all these questions can be answered by common sense, and the thoughts you've displayed all over the blog, frankly, this genuinely angers me, because while I have never been spanked, anyone with eyes and a functioning brain can tell that your relationship is deeply consensual and loving.
DeleteThank you. I am going to have to rethink the idea of allowing any comment to be posted.
DeleteHi Lisa! I understand what you’re saying here. I don’t know anyone else that lives this lifestyle and it would be nice to have a small group of women that you could confide in and not feel judged sometimes. Even small comments like “no way, my husband would blister my ass for doing that” would get you some wild stares I feel like lol.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh yes. we could support each other. Like, "Oh my gosh girl you did what? No wonder he reddened your bottom!"
DeleteExactly haha! I also think your thoughts on men having a supportive community is so interesting and made me pause to think about what those conversations would look like. They do carry a lot of responsibility and having others going through similar journeys would make a difference. I hadn’t really thought about it before.
DeleteI wonder if hubby was with the guys. Would he say something like, "Gosh, Lisa was in rare form last night. I had to correct her last night. Let's just say she wont be sitting down for a while!"
Deletelol that sounds like something my husband would say. I think it’s when they start sharing tips is when we’d have to worry :)
DeleteLol Katie! You may be right. However, as for tips, applying the tip of the cane is all he needs! And if he sees me sitting to comfortable on day 2 or 3 of a serious spanking then .. well, you know what happens next!
DeleteOhhhh Anonymous.... Yikes.
DeleteAnonymous- he doesn’t use a cane so I have no idea how you feel after that one, but the hairbrush on day 2 is NOT fun lol
DeleteHi Katie. I’m happy you have not experienced the cane. In our home it’s reserved for serious misbehaviors. However, once used, the next two misbehaviors also get the cane. Lots of tension build up! It’s always well-applied resulting in a very sharp sting that burns and raises welts/bruising. Aftercare is welcoming. I really need to be held as it’s very intense and emotional for me. Very tender afterwards so not sitting comfortably is a given, even walking becomes less normal. So if he finds me sitting that means he was to lenient and then I’ll really be in for it!! … yes, hairbrush or any implement on day 2 not fun either! Nice chatting Katie.
DeleteThank you Lisa, liking this forum to chat with other woman. Refreshing.
Anonymous- oh yikes that sounds painful! We’re still somewhat new to this lifestyle but hoping hubby never wants to try out the cane lol. I got into some trouble this week and was similarly told that I’d have to earn going back to just a hand spanking for a while 🙃 so any discipline would be with the hairbrush which absolutely leaves marks for me. Nice chatting with you too!
DeleteMy husband gets home from a work trip tomorrow and I broke a guideline. I have a date with the strap and paddle. I hate the knowing it’s coming and needing to wait so long to have it and get it over with! Then I have my weekly maintenance on Thursday 😭 rough week over here. Hopefully I feel the release and relief I need!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Anonymous, I know waiting is the worse. All my spankings happen on Friday's (well it's moving to Sunday) and if I get in trouble earlier in the week its a wait of nerves. Sorry for your rough week. Hugsss.... Lisa
DeleteThank you Lisa ❤️
DeleteThis is an interesting blog. I think I found it accidentally but mainly I have a PhD in physiology and my friend is working on a PhD in psychology about power differential relationships so DD is one of those main ones of course. I only knew one person years ago, who lived this lifestyle and she told me about it after the fact. She told me that she agreed to this lifestyle, but she learned she had such a low tolerance for pain and she got spanked fairly frequently that she started taking gobs of ibuprofen and acetaminophen before and after the spankings, like extremely high doses. So it was so bad that now she’s on a list for a liver transplant due to the severe damage to her liver. At the time, I didn’t know anything about DD and I said couldn’t you have just told your husband to stop? But she didn’t feel she could. I pointed her to this blog and she said it would’ve been nice to have a woman’s block to talk to at that time to try to figure out what to do.
DeleteAnonymous above my name is Sue so as a physiologist waiting for your husband to get home from the trip and facing a punishment, your cortisol levels right now are through the roof. Hopefully that doesn’t happen too often as it does really do a sustained long-term damage. Be gentle with yourself and maybe you can bring those levels down. I don’t know a guideline versus a rule that doesn’t sound too serious to me, but what do I know?
Interestingly, the person finishing up the doctorate (and I’ll try to get a link to her findings when she publishes it )found way way more men who at least were willing to talk to her who were the ones getting punished by their wives. She talked to like 5000 men and only about 200 women. Probably the case for that as men are still men and even if they’re the ones getting punished, they feel like they can talk about what they want. Where’s women I think are very careful what they say. For example, someone wrote on this blog that she had to get approval from her husband to read this blog. I doubt a man would feel like they would have to get the same permission from his wife, even if she’s the dominant one.
I like how you write , Lisa, I think you probably help a lot of women in this lifestyle. I also love it that I’ve read that you’ve said you have a safe word and you can refuse a punishment. My friend who talked to the women some in situations like that could refuse, , but some said they could not refuse a punishment. Very interesting from a sociological psychological study very much.!
Anyway, the woman I know is now separated for her from her husband, Even though I don’t feel it was strictly his fault she should’ve just talked to him about her very low tolerance of pain. He’s offered to take a spanking from her every day for the rest of his life. I’m sure his guilt is enormous that she needs this liver transplant, but she really should’ve known better not to take all those high doses of pain relievers for years. Oh well..
Ok, good day up all!
Hey Sue, that is really great insight. I love your advice and I will make sure that we stay on top of the issues you mentioned.
DeleteI have to ask... what do you like about the subject? Do you find the lifestyle interesting? A lot of people do spanking in a very mild way with just a smack or two during sex. Is that more your style?
Hey Lisa it’s Sue, mostly I think I was interested in knowing/learning why women would consent to this and why they find it helpful . So I guess from
Deletea science/neuroscience/societal aspect. Thanks for asking!
I love it. from a psychological aspect I am sure they would say I have daddy issues ha ha. But honestly, at the end of the day I dont want to be in charge anymore. And hubby is soooo loving. I know people cant see that, but he is. And Honestly I want this. If I was to tell him today that we shouldn't do this any more. He would be sad but okay with it.
Delete