Finding the Right Balance Afterward - Communication
Finding the Right Balance Afterward
Learning each other through honesty, vulnerability, and trust
One of the most important parts of our dynamic doesn’t actually happen during the discipline itself—it happens afterward.
When everything settles and the house is quiet again, hubby and I always take time to talk. Not just a quick “are you okay,” but a real conversation. It’s become just as meaningful to me as anything else we share, because it’s where understanding, trust, and growth really take shape.
We usually start by talking about my week. What led up to the discipline, what I was thinking at the time, and where I could have made better choices. Sometimes I already know exactly where I fell short, and other times talking it out helps me see things more clearly. He listens carefully, not just to correct me, but to understand me. That matters more than I can explain.
Then we talk about how I handled myself during the session. This is the part that always makes me a little self-conscious. I want to respond honestly in the moment, but afterward I find myself wondering—was I too emotional? Not emotional enough? Did I handle it in a way that respected him and the purpose behind it?
I always end up asking him the same kinds of questions. Did anything I did irritate him? Was I pouting too much? Did I push back in a way that crossed the line? At the same time, I know he doesn’t want me to shut down either. He’s told me more than once that he doesn’t want me to just go quiet and give him nothing. That balance can be tricky.
He wants real reactions. Genuine emotion. Not defiance, but not emptiness either.
And honestly, I appreciate that. It reminds me that this isn’t about control for the sake of control—it’s about connection. He wants to see me, not just correct me.
We also talk about the discipline itself in a practical way. What he used, how effective it was, whether it matched what was needed. I’m always honest during this part, even when it feels a little awkward to say out loud.
There are times I’ll tell him it felt like exactly what I needed—firm, clear, and enough to reset me. And there are other times when I admit that I don’t think it quite got me there. Not because I want more for the sake of it, but because I know myself well enough to recognize when that lingering guilt hasn’t fully lifted.
That’s something I’ve learned to be honest about. For me, the purpose isn’t just the moment—it’s the release afterward. When things are handled fully, I feel lighter. Clearer. Like I can move forward without carrying the weight of my mistakes. If I don’t get to that point, it sits with me.
Being able to say that openly, and knowing he’ll listen without judgment, has made all the difference.
What I’ve come to realize is that these conversations aren’t just “aftercare.” They’re where we fine-tune everything—expectations, communication, and trust. It’s where I learn what he needs from me, and where he learns what helps me grow. And I am pretty sure it helps him grow.
It’s not always easy to talk about these things so honestly. There are moments I feel vulnerable or unsure. But every time we sit down and work through it together, I feel more grounded in our relationship.
And maybe that’s the real purpose of it all—not perfection, but understanding each other a little better every time.
well done, very thoughtful and honest
ReplyDeleteThank you sir. I wish I could take credit but it is all hubby who set this up.
DeleteProfessional woman here. Lisa, your writings are beautiful. Love your blog. Your openness and willingness to share is truly breathtaking.
ReplyDeleteAwe, that is sweet. I think I am going to challenge people to write an article. and I will pick one to post!
DeleteLisa I am wondering how long it took you and you husband to get to this point? I am getting maintenance every Sunday and an occasional other punishment spanking during the week. We always have these prayer and communication sessions after but it always feels awkward and....I don't know maybe forced? The prayer part feels so real and connective to me, but each of us being honest about what we just experienced doesn't feel fulfilling. Like I'm not sure still HOW I am supposed to feel after being spanked? I guess I am still learning and so is my husband, and I am leaning on daily prayer to help me find joy submitting to my husband's hand. I am still convinced that I am living as God has intended for me and that eventually He will give me clarity about my feelings on being a spanked wife.
ReplyDeleteOh Sage, Hugsss to you. I can tell you that I needed it from day one. I was not in your situation. When I got spanked I felt a relief, but don't think everybody is wired like that. You might feel angry, depressed or resentful. Try to put a name on that feeling and then tell him how you feel. If you both are having a conversation about feelings... that should be a safe environment, not fearful.
DeleteGreat advice Lisa! This professional woman was raised on discipline spankings.
DeleteSage, I think I know what you are going through. Please let me know if you like to chat.
I suppose my problem is that I don't really know or understand how I feel after a spanking. I don't feel angry or resentful because I think that my relationship is Godly and nothing that God is leading me to should make me resentful. But I am also not feeling a sense of relief or even really like I've gotten some kind of "reset." I'm trying very hard to have those feelings and it's just not happening. Sometimes I feel a little embarrassment or vulnerability. Mostly I just feel like I got spanked and my rear end hurts and then that's it. I love it when my husband leads me in prayer afterwards and in that part I feel a deep connection to my husband and to the Lord, but I'm not getting the same feeling from a spanking and I don't know what i'm doing wrong.
DeleteMaybe your husband isn't spanking hard enough, or needs to make his lectures better, kneeling before and after might help too, as well as trying to deeply reflect on what you did wrong, and the long term consequences. This will generate guilt, but also, after you are spanked, this will give you freedom.
DeleteIf this doesn't work, you must know that spanking is there as a deterrent, and you just need to fear the pain. Growth, as a person as a wife, happens alongside God, not just in moments of correction, and it's a small part of marriage. You don't need to worry!
Again, this professional woman will repeat herself by saying this dynamic is not for everyone!! More open communication is very much needed. Spankings should halt or even stopped permanently. There are other good forms of discipline, if agreed upon.
DeleteHi Sage, this the professional woman.
ReplyDeleteIf I may say this dynamic is not for everyone. Perhaps you take a breather, no more spanking, more open discussions.
Your reaction to a husband who wants to spank should be based on your own comfort level, consent, and the safety of the relationship.
Set Firm Boundaries, by telling him that physical interaction must be loving and respectful, not painful or punishing.
Talk about limits, including what you are okay with and what you are not, such as how hard, how long, and what tools (if any) are used.
Establish a Safe Word that means he must stop immediately, no questions asked.
Be Assertive about Your Needs. You can still set rules regarding the intensity and duration, even if they are in a submissive role.
Any sexual or physical activity involving pain should be fully consensual and bring pleasure or satisfaction to both partners, not just one.
Thank you Professional Woman!!!!! I agree 100%Pleaes Sage, both of you need to take a break. Honestly... God does not say hit anyone... Discipline can come in lots of forms not all of it has to be spanking. You are a smart woman. It has to be fully consensual like Professional Woman says.
DeleteThank you to both Lisa and Professional Woman for your kind responses. Our lifestyle is definitely consensual and I hope I didn't come across otherwise. When I said things felt forced, I didn't mean like he was forcing me, but more that our conversations after a spanking don't feel "natural" to us yet. Though our prayers always feel like they come very naturally but talking about our feelings is a little bit harder and that we're forcing ourselves into the roles of having to talk it out. I'm just worried that I'm not getting the feelings of great relief and a 'resetting' that other spanked wives online seem to feel.
DeleteI strongly believe that God has led me here to my husband for a reason. And I do believe God will lead us to a place where talking about my submission and my feelings over punishment will feel more natural to me. I was not raised being punished with spanking and I think I'm just floundering when I try to explain my feelings over it. I know that God is on my side and He is working through me as I try to find the words. Every day when I pray I can feel that. I know that if I needed to step back from punishment that my husband would be OK with that. But for now God is leading me to continue down this path and I am not giving up on it so easily.
Oh Sage, you are such a lovely person with a real servant's heart! It does make me ache for you that you aren't feeling the relief and reset after a discipline session. For me personally, I do get that feeling, but I didn't always and I do think it was because my upbringing was the opposite of yours - my father was too quick to hit all of us kids and I know you weren't spanked at all. I know that you can lean on God to see your way through this, and if God leads you to the decision that this is not the type of submissive wife you want to be, then you owe it to Seth to have that very honest conversation!
DeleteI know that reading blogs like this one or like Aron's can make it seem like that submissive women must be spanked to be truly submissive wives, but that isn't true. I believe that God calls women to submit to their husbands and I know you feel that in your soul as well. But that submission can look differently for different couples. It is OK if God lays it on your heart to step away from a spanking relationship, and it is also OK if God lays it on your heart to continue this path in the hopes that things click for you. You have only been married about six months and things can take time to develop in a way that you will love and that will honor God. God has graced you with a baby on the way, and perhaps you and Seth can pray over whether or not that is a sign for a change. As always you are in my prayers. All Glory to God.
Yes Darcy,
Deletei have to remember that not everybody feels like I do. If I am not spanked I get antsy and I am nervous. It is truly something I need to thrive. That might be a rare thing. And I am grateful that my husband knows exactly what I need.
Dear Sage (and Lisa, welcome your thoughts too.) Professional Woman here. Hmm… I was spanked (not abused) as a child (and as a grown up.) Associating punishment (spankings) with love and forgiveness. I was bad so I must be punished to be forgiven. A feeling of cathartic. After a spanking your body is flooded with endorphins, getting a “high.”
ReplyDeleteIn my view, a married woman submits to spankings because she either enjoys, needs, or want’s them or just feels she generally benefits from them. Perhaps even feeling like it’s something their religion orders them to do. But, regardless what people claim the Bible says or how it’s being interpreted, it never mentions spanking! I’ll emphasize to remember the importance of consent (understanding you agreed to this but it’s a woman’s provocative to change her mind or at least put the brakes on to further figure things out.) and having a safe word. Aftercare to show affection and attention to ensure physically and emotionally okay.
In my view, since you were not raised with spankings, and may not feel any benefit from them, then I believe they should stop immediately. If you and your husband strongly believe discipline is in order, there are other kinds besides spanking. As Lisa previously stated “God does not say hit anyone.”
Love and communication are key in any relationship/marriage. I don’t think there is any harm stopping spankings and talk/open communication. Discuss feelings, emotions, etc.. Sometimes I think men spank because it’s their kink and hide behind religion. In my view, as previously stated a woman should only agree if she enjoys, needs, wants, or benefits from them. God Bless.
Professional woman... yes I am 100% agreement. I know hubby even though his desire is to spank you... he would have no problem to taking a break. I am different. I need that connection of being spanked.
DeleteSage, I wasn't spanked as a child either. In fact, I was raised in a Christian household where we were taught it was never okay to strike anyone for any reason. My first spanking was from Hubby for my birthday. I found it to be very arousing, and as mentioned by Professional Woman, it boosted my endorphins. Other spankings have been for foreplay or stress relief.
ReplyDeleteI only once received a punishment spanking and it caused me such emotional pain (despite my consent), that my Hubby decided it wasn't to be used again. I am very submissive to my husband and get extremely distressed if I accidentally do something to displease him. We always have a long discussion afterwards, and I am very remorseful and try to do something special for him.
I think that because of my upbringing, disciplinary spankings don't work for us. Perhaps they may not work for you in your marriage either. God bless you. RN (my profession so will use as my initials as there seems to be quite a few of us professional ladies on this blog)
Thank you so much Sage for sharing. I am so glad for this group. There are so many flavors of Spanking Relationships.
DeleteWhen you tell him it felt too harsh does he apologize and do something nice for youas a consequence. The Bible speaks of not being overly harsh with your wife or your prayers will not be answered.
ReplyDeleteThank you for asking. We are perfect for each other. When he makes a mistake, he owns it, admits it and apologizes.
DeleteAs far as to harsh, he has never been to harsh. If anything he has been to lenient which drives me crazy sometimes. I need to feel I have paid for it. We have some code words for more severe or less severe. I also have a safe word which stops everything.