Why Our Rules Matter — and How They Shaped Me
Why Our Rules Matter — and How They Shaped Me
When people first hear that my husband and I practice domestic discipline, they often imagine something rigid, harsh, or controlling. What they don’t see is the slow, thoughtful process through which our rules were born — and how deeply they have shaped me for the better.
Our rules didn’t arrive all at once. In the early years of our marriage, we were simply two strong-willed people trying to love each other well while juggling careers, children, faith, and the stresses of daily life. We argued more than I care to admit. Well I argued and he would calmly take it. I could be reactive, overwhelmed, or stubborn. He could be quiet, carrying burdens silently. We loved each other fiercely — but love alone wasn’t enough to keep us steady.
Over time, we began to notice patterns. We saw that certain behaviors — like shutting down emotionally, speaking sharply in frustration, or rushing through life without care — created distance between us. Other habits — like honest communication, humility, and attentiveness — brought us closer together.
That’s when we started talking seriously about structure.
We didn’t sit down one night and write “the rules.” Instead, they evolved through years of conversation, prayer, mistakes, forgiveness, and growth. Some rules emerged after painful moments where we realized, “We need a better way to handle this.” Others grew out of our shared values as Christians who wanted our home to reflect order, peace, and mutual respect.
At the heart of our rules are a few simple principles:
Respect.
I strive to speak to my husband with kindness, even when I’m tired or upset. In turn, he leads with patience rather than frustration. This mutual respect has softened our marriage in beautiful ways.
Honesty.
Our rules encourage me to be truthful — not defensive, not minimizing, not hiding my feelings. That honesty has deepened our trust far more than pretending everything is “fine.”
Responsibility.
We both have clear expectations about our roles in the household and family. I take my responsibilities seriously — not as a burden, but as a way of contributing to our shared life.
Safety and care.
Some of our most important rules are about protecting life and well-being. I commit to driving attentively, not taking unnecessary risks, caring for my health, and asking for help when I need it. These aren’t “control” rules — they are love in practical form.
Emotional steadiness.
The structure of our rules helps me pause before reacting, breathe before speaking, and choose connection over conflict. It keeps me grounded when life feels chaotic.
Over the years, this framework has shaped who I am.
As a wife, I am more intentional, more gracious, and more aware of how my words and actions affect my husband. I no longer see leadership and submission as power struggles, but as complementary roles rooted in trust.
As a lover, I am more present. Feeling secure in our structure allows me to relax, connect, and be fully myself with him.
As a mother, our rules have made me calmer and more consistent. When I am steady, my children feel safe. They benefit from a home where expectations are clear and love is abundant.
As a friend, I am more patient and less reactive. I listen better. I apologize more quickly. I am slower to judge and quicker to extend grace.
And as a Christian, our rules have drawn me closer to God. They remind me daily that growth requires humility, that love requires discipline, and that freedom flourishes best within loving boundaries. Scripture tells us that discipline produces a harvest of righteousness and peace — I have lived that truth.
Our system isn’t perfect. Neither of us is. But our rules have become a quiet guide rail for our marriage — helping us stay aligned, centered, and united.
They keep me grounded. They keep me accountable. And, most importantly, they help me show up as the woman I want to be: a devoted wife, an attentive mother, a faithful friend, and a grateful daughter of God.
If you’re curious about how your own marriage might benefit from gentle structure — whatever that looks like for you — I encourage you to talk openly with your spouse, pray together, and remember that rules aren’t about restriction. They’re about creating a life where love can truly thrive.
We have this set in place which is nice....
Even structured marriages need flexibility.
- Rules are reviewed periodically.
- Grace is given for illness, exhaustion, or major stress.
- Growth is celebrated, not just correction noted.
- The goal is unity, peace, and maturity—not fear.
Lovely post I really enjoyed reading it and has given me time to pause and reflect and with lent being upon us it’s a perfect time.
ReplyDeleteOur rules have changed to reflect our growth together and my own journey as a wife, mother and Christian. When I first got married they were tough and rigid while I learned my place, as I grew the rules changed to reflect my own growth I learned to listen and not to rush, not to interrupt my husband, learned I can disagree with him but always in a way that allows him to have the final say.
It’s popular to give something up for lent instead we make more time to listen to each other, pray with each other and enjoy more time to sit and talk
omg I'm so struggling with lent
DeleteOh my gosh Charlotte,
DeleteThat is a perfect way to celebrate lent and you are giving up something. You are giving up the busyness of life including social media and spending it with your hubby. I think God had that in mind when he set the rules in place.
Bravo!!!!
Pick something easy Anonymous, make it meaningful.
DeleteHello, this is Linda, who by now as you know, is sort of your resident friendly “feminist“ but only in the kindest of ways. ❤️. Although to people looking in on our nearly 40 year marriage, we look fairly traditional at times.
ReplyDeleteLisa, I loved what I read that you said your rules were not rigid, harsh or controlling. But I wonder if they became rigid , harsh or controlling, or the punishments became unbearable, I think you personally have already said you’re able to extricate yourself from that situation. That’s not your husband’s intent.
But for women who are in marriages who practice domestic discipline and things go terribly wrong, what did they do about it? As is said here, most practice DD privately, because their family and friends would cringe to know they practice it. But if things got out of hand, would you involve some of those people in your life to help you?
My other question is, how does the husband get held accountable? I know the standard answer is the wife can’t hold them accountable, and men say that they’re held accountable by God, elders at the church, law-enforcement, and such others. But how does that look practically? I ask the question because if a man is held accountable by God, I guess that means that when he dies the Lord will judge him harshly, and he may not make it into heaven But does that mean that the wife has to endure suffering here on earth? And if no one knows that you practice to discipline , is there really another man around that can tell your husband “hey cut it out , you’re overdoing it? “
It would seem the answer is no , right? Because nobody knows about your family life. And it’s not just about the husband overdoing it as far as punishing his wife, but if things start to happen like he becomes addicted to pornography, he’s gambling family money away, he’s experimenting with recreational drugs, the wife is still supposed to submit , correct ? What does a wife in that situation do? Some on this blog have written that the husband is the unquestioned authority and you can never go against anything he says. That seems a very difficult place to be.
There was a fairly popular domestic discipline site a few years ago called CDD life. It stopped being updated maybe three or four years ago now. The report came out that one of the women authors of the site did find her discipline crossing into abuse and wanted to completely stop domestic discipline. Her husband refused, at first at least. She did not want to divorce. There’s been no more said about what has happened to that couple, I pray to God things have worked out between them.
Lastly, I guess I say this because I have a background in physiology, that even the bottom, which is the best place to take a spanking, has the sciatic nerve imbedded well within the muscles. Repeated striking the same body area for months and years immediately results in inflammation, but also
can result in long-term damage of that sciatic nerve. It may not come out too much later in life until suddenly you find yourself unable to walk properly. At that point, the damage may be irreversible. Make sure that your marriage is one that these spankings are fairly infrequent and they’re done fairly mildly.
Thank you, be safe, be well, and God bless.
Linda, this is such an important and thoughtful question. I truly appreciate the way you asked it — not combative, but careful. These dynamics only remain healthy when accountability flows both ways, so I’m glad you brought it up.
DeleteYou’re right about one thing: “He’s accountable to God” can sound very abstract if there’s no practical structure behind it. Accountability cannot just be theoretical. It has to be visible, tangible, and relational.
In our marriage, my husband is not operating in isolation.
He meets weekly for Bible study with four other men. These are not casual acquaintances — they are men who know him well, who know our marriage values, and who have permission to ask hard questions. At the end of each meeting, they go around and ask one another the same seven questions every single week:
1. Have you been with a woman anywhere that might be seen as compromising?
2. Have any of your emotional dealings lacked integrity?
3. Have you exposed yourself to any sexually explicit material?
4. Have you prioritized and managed your time properly? (God, family, and work)
5. Have you taken care of your temple (body) with clean living — mind, body, and soul?
6. What have you done to glorify God and spread His Word?
7. Have you just lied to me?
Because that is real accountability.
These men don’t just nod politely. They press in. They follow up. They ask for specifics. And they have full permission to call him out if something is off. If I ever had serious concerns — and I mean serious — I can reach out to those men. They would not ignore it.
If my husband were to step outside integrity in a serious way, I would not be required to silently endure harm. Submission does not mean participating in destruction. It does not mean shielding sin. It does not mean staying quiet while a family is being damaged.
(there is so much more I want to tell you. I will try to write more tomorrow)
Lisa, I look forward to reading the rest of your reply, but I just want to say that this is so powerful. If all men, really all people had this kind of accountability the world would be a better place.
DeleteHey Linda. You're concerns are all valid, but at.. the end of the day, you need to trust God. Which, you might ask, how do I trust Him? You trust Him by trusting His word. I don't think a wife needs to live a life of suffering, but life will undoubtedly have suffering, and sometimes that may come from a situation inside your marriage.
DeleteDD is not the base for marriage, it's just an aspect of it.. of course, there are women in awful situations, but to constantly fret in the extremes, it's unwise. Why would a man that loves his wife mistreat her that way? A Godly man, I mean? A wife is the crown her husband wears, which mean she's precious. Most DD marriages in the west are consensual, so everyone at some point hast to agreed with what is happening to them. Which sometimes results that some women end in these abusive situations by their own misguided choices, most of the time. (I think of this, for women I know that knowingly chose bad men, and had to submit to him until he finally left her.)
Remember that submitting is not exactly...well, optional, because it's a service you give to God. Submission can change a man, as well. So it's not all hopeless.
1 Peter 3:1–2
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
Also remember that God is merciful, and He will provide an escape (as there are many in the modern world...) or a relief if needed. As He does for many women. But be obedient to Him and never give up on prayer.
Anyways, I know you mean well by your concerns, but you need to surrender them to God. Husbands are disciplined by God, the law, and others outside that can call out harmful behavior.
Sincerely, Mia
Mia & Linda,
DeleteI agree with both y'all. There is so much domestic violence in general its even worse with DD relationships. God gave us 2 things. Free will... which means the husband could go against God commend and abuse us. He also gave us brains to really figure out things and make good choices. I am going to repeat.... NEVER EVER STAY in an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Get out and get help.
I am lucky with my hubby. He put that system in place. I asked how he came up with that tonight and he said, that one of the guys at church asked him if he would join the other 3 to meet weekly. He said that the 7 questions was adapted by Chuck Swindell.
So my responsibility in that is I need to respect leadership that is aligned with God’s design — not enabling behavior that contradicts it.
I also want to gently push back on the idea that the husband is “UNQUESTIONED authority.” In our home, I can question. I can ask for clarity. I can express concern. What I don’t do is undermine or attack (That will get my bottom warmed). Also timing is everything. There is a time to question and sometimes I have to wait.
Leadership without accountability becomes tyranny.
Submission without safety becomes oppression.
(Doesn't that feel like its needed in our Government)
That is not what we practice.
Domestic discipline, if it is going to be healthy, requires:
*A husband who is accountable to other godly men
*A wife who is safe to speak concerns
*Clear boundaries about sin and safety
*Zero tolerance for abuse
*Transparency, not secrecy
If no one knows about your family life and there is no external accountability structure, then yes — that would be concerning. Isolation is never wise in any marriage, DD or otherwise. I have read that in an abusive relationship, often the offender will cut people off and prevent the victim from talking to others. Everybody needs a support group outside of the family.
In our case, my husband is answerable to God, yes — but also to real men who ask him real questions weekly. And I am not voiceless. I am protected by both spiritual structure and relational accountability.
That’s what makes this dynamic safe.
Thank you again for asking something that many people quietly wonder. Conversations like this matter.
Hey, I don't I disagree with what you're saying, but home life is private, and same is the thing about sex life. I never depicted the husband as unquestioned authority, because you can question him, but you need to be submissive while you do it. Ask gently, ask appropriately, and be wise about timing. A wise woman builds up her house.
DeleteAnd I wanted to gently push back on Linda, even if I understand her concerns, because everyone talks about it nowadays, making it seem like when entering a different marriage from the norm, that the man is gonna abuse his authority or something.
Does it happen? Yes. But we all make mistakes. And I'm not endorsing staying in a marriage where the husband is trying to drown everybody.. but if he takes a wrong detour, the correct thing would be to be patient with him, since after all, this is your duty to God.
With much love, Mia
Oh I agree Mia,
Delete1. I have never had to question his authority in 22 years of marriage, except for a whiney, "Whyyyyyy".
2. This was not my idea. He has told me that if I have questions about why I am being punished or want to talk about it, to ask to stop it and ask the questions. His thought was if I don't know then the punishment is worthless. Also he setting this up shows his integrity. How could I not follow this man.
3. I am a true submissive at home. I am strong at work. In charge of a lot of things and people. So it is good to not have to be. I thrive off correction and guidance. Keeps me grounded.
Lastly.... thank you for commenting. I love our conversations. (see comment below Linda's comment.
Gosh I was reading our comments and I think that could be a Blog post itself. Such good dialog. Hmmmm What could I do to make this a blog post?!!! Any one have ideas, email me at lisa1982jack50n@gmail.com
DeleteLisa and Mia, thank you for your thoughtful and meaningful comments and descriptions. I appreciate it. Linda
ReplyDeleteI love this so much.... Genuine conversations. Not men's opinions. I love chatting with women on such a private subject. I wish we could meet in person.
Delete