Why Our Rules Matter — and How They Shaped Me

 Why Our Rules Matter — and How They Shaped Me

When people first hear that my husband and I practice domestic discipline, they often imagine something rigid, harsh, or controlling. What they don’t see is the slow, thoughtful process through which our rules were born — and how deeply they have shaped me for the better.

Our rules didn’t arrive all at once. In the early years of our marriage, we were simply two strong-willed people trying to love each other well while juggling careers, children, faith, and the stresses of daily life. We argued more than I care to admit. Well I argued and he would calmly take it. I could be reactive, overwhelmed, or stubborn. He could be quiet, carrying burdens silently. We loved each other fiercely — but love alone wasn’t enough to keep us steady.

Over time, we began to notice patterns. We saw that certain behaviors — like shutting down emotionally, speaking sharply in frustration, or rushing through life without care — created distance between us. Other habits — like honest communication, humility, and attentiveness — brought us closer together.

That’s when we started talking seriously about structure.

We didn’t sit down one night and write “the rules.” Instead, they evolved through years of conversation, prayer, mistakes, forgiveness, and growth. Some rules emerged after painful moments where we realized, “We need a better way to handle this.” Others grew out of our shared values as Christians who wanted our home to reflect order, peace, and mutual respect.

At the heart of our rules are a few simple principles:

Respect.

I strive to speak to my husband with kindness, even when I’m tired or upset. In turn, he leads with patience rather than frustration. This mutual respect has softened our marriage in beautiful ways.

Honesty.

Our rules encourage me to be truthful — not defensive, not minimizing, not hiding my feelings. That honesty has deepened our trust far more than pretending everything is “fine.”

Responsibility.

We both have clear expectations about our roles in the household and family. I take my responsibilities seriously — not as a burden, but as a way of contributing to our shared life.

Safety and care.

Some of our most important rules are about protecting life and well-being. I commit to driving attentively, not taking unnecessary risks, caring for my health, and asking for help when I need it. These aren’t “control” rules — they are love in practical form.

Emotional steadiness.

The structure of our rules helps me pause before reacting, breathe before speaking, and choose connection over conflict. It keeps me grounded when life feels chaotic.

Over the years, this framework has shaped who I am.

As a wife, I am more intentional, more gracious, and more aware of how my words and actions affect my husband. I no longer see leadership and submission as power struggles, but as complementary roles rooted in trust.

As a lover, I am more present. Feeling secure in our structure allows me to relax, connect, and be fully myself with him.

As a mother, our rules have made me calmer and more consistent. When I am steady, my children feel safe. They benefit from a home where expectations are clear and love is abundant.

As a friend, I am more patient and less reactive. I listen better. I apologize more quickly. I am slower to judge and quicker to extend grace.

And as a Christian, our rules have drawn me closer to God. They remind me daily that growth requires humility, that love requires discipline, and that freedom flourishes best within loving boundaries. Scripture tells us that discipline produces a harvest of righteousness and peace — I have lived that truth.

Our system isn’t perfect. Neither of us is. But our rules have become a quiet guide rail for our marriage — helping us stay aligned, centered, and united.

They keep me grounded. They keep me accountable. And, most importantly, they help me show up as the woman I want to be: a devoted wife, an attentive mother, a faithful friend, and a grateful daughter of God.

If you’re curious about how your own marriage might benefit from gentle structure — whatever that looks like for you — I encourage you to talk openly with your spouse, pray together, and remember that rules aren’t about restriction. They’re about creating a life where love can truly thrive.

We have this set in place which is nice....

Even structured marriages need flexibility.

• Rules are reviewed periodically.
• Grace is given for illness, exhaustion, or major stress.
• Growth is celebrated, not just correction noted.
• The goal is unity, peace, and maturity—not fear.